This goes WAY beyond communications style. It is NOT all women as I have worked both for & with women very successfully. SOME women (1/6 .. 1/3) are in fact operating from a cognitive deficit standpoint. Why bother trying to talk with them? I could sooner walk on water. I did not get married to act as someone’s therapist. I did not get married to have a pet, to have to stroke a damaged mind or self-image perpetually. In my case, I shut down because I came to the correct conclusion that there really wasn’t anyone “home” as far as my ex-wife eas concerned. I regret that I didn’t come to see the facts before 17 years of my life were wasted.

Anyway, to make a long story short, one of the girls from high school got obsessed with him but he wouldn’t stop talking to her. I found out about it because I snooped and read one of his emails. The things she said made me believe that the two of them were intimate. I got upset and confronted him. He told me that nothing happened between them and that the girl is very disturbed. He wanted to handle it himself and wished that I didn’t interfere. I asked him if he would have handled it if I hadn’t and he said yes. Needless to say, they continued to communicate through text messages every day for the next eight months. I found out about it and had a breakdown. He told me that the girl threatened to hurt herself because she couldn’t have him and he didn’t want that on his conscious. I asked him if he ever thought of what it would look like to me if I ever found out? He said that he knows what it looks like and all he can say is that he’s sorry. He then said that he finally came to the conclusion that this girl was all talk and he quit communicating with her for good.

The problem I’m having now is that he continues to communicate with her best friend and even calls her when he’s going out with the boys to see if she can meet him out. Although I’ve expressed to him that I don’t mind if he has female friends as long as he’s open and honest with me, he keeps this from me as well. He does not know that I know about this either, and I don’t know what to do. Why is it so difficult for him to tell me the truth? How can I ever trust him again if he continues to hide his relationships with other women from me? And why can he talk so openly and freely to them, but not to me? I do not like either of these girls and wish nothing more than he stop communicating with them all together, but I would never deny him the right to have these friendships. I am open enough to accept that he is his own person and needs to have these experiences, but it hurts me that he can’t confide in me or trust me enough to tell me the truth.

As a side note, I am going to counseling but he refuses to go with me. He doesn’t believe in counseling. Also, he will not tell me what he and the girl who was obsessed with him talked about for eight months. He says it’s because I will tell all my friends and this girl’s business is none of anyone else’s business. I believe that is a cop-out so that he doesn’t have to have this discussion with me. Can you give me some advice? I’m desperate!

I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband was not extremely depressed. This might explain why he has been unwilling to participate in the various options you’ve suggested. I would highly recommend that both of you try some individual counseling first. He needs to address his underlying emotional feelings because of his dysfunction and his possible depression. He’s probably not feeling very good about himself right now and is likely to need help dealing with all this. I’m hoping that he will go because, based on my experience working with him like him, he needs the help!

I suggest that you get counseling for yourself to sort through your feelings and to consider various options related to this issue. There may be options that you have not considered.

Finally, I’d suggest that you stop posting on the dating sites for now. Such posting is likely to intensify your frustration and I don’t think that this is helpful to you right now.

My sincere best wishes to you, regardless of the outcome.

Jesse