Over our 33 years as marriage counselors, we have heard wives and girlfriends distressed over unfulfilling sex lives with their man. Some have attempted to discuss it with him but to no avail. Others are afraid of saying anything because they are fearful of his reaction.
We have found that the majority of men we’ve seen in our practice do not understand the sexual make up of women. In fact, they assume, incorrectly, that women respond to sex the same way that men do. This, of course, is absolutely not the case. While some men brag about their sexual prowess with women, the women in their lives tell a completely different story. The intent of this article is to attempt to make a start toward educating men about what women need sexually from them. We want to emphasize that female sexuality is an extremely comprehensive subject—far too much to cover adequately it this short article.
However, it is a start—ways of helping men understand what women want and need sexually. We also want to support women in better understanding and acknowledging their own sexuality. Hopefully, this will empower women to better articulate their needs to men. So, with that bit of an introduction, let’s begin with a few key ideas that women wished men understood about their sexuality.
Women Are Not Just Sexual Objects To Be Used and Then Discarded
For men, sexual intercourse is basically an external act that men can do without any emotional attachment or commitment. After an orgasm, a man can go about his day’s business without another thought. But intercourse for a woman means a lot more. The act of intercourse means that she is allowing a man to enter her body and most women are very particular about who they allow to do that. To the woman, it is a deeply personal act and it is important than men appreciate this. Most women need to feel an emotional connection to the man before they feel comfortable being sexual. They want to believe that sex means that the man really cares for them. She wants to believe that sex to him means more than just satisfying his ego or for his personal gratification without any regard for her afterward.
Women Want Men To Tell Them The Truth About Their Intent
Women want men to be honest about what they want from them. If it’s just about sex, say so and she’ll decide whether or not she’s willing to participate. But if sex is all you’re interested in, don’t make her believe that you want to pursue a meaningful relationship. This kind of deceit can be extremely painful to a woman.
Some men have said that “if I tell women the truth, they probably won’t have sex with me.” That’s true. But isn’t she entitled to knowing the truth so she can make up her own mind about having sex with you or not? She might say OK but in knowing the truth, she knows what to expect. So guys, is it all about you? It might explain why you’re not invited back for a second round. And doesn’t it make sense, then, that many women avoid you like the plague because it’s all about you and not about them?
Here’s a little something that is often not known about female sexuality. During intercourse, women produce a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone stimulates a strong emotional connection between the woman and her sexual partner. It means that women have a physiological and hormonal sexual component integrated into their emotional being. This is why casual “hook up” sex is often disappointing to women because it lacks an emotional connection. Men produce little, if any, oxytocin which allows them to have sex without any strings attached.
Women Need Time To Warm Up For Sex
Many men assume, incorrectly, that if he’s ready for sex that she’s ready too! This is absolutely not true for most women. Men and women are different—not just in their genitals. Men get aroused quickly and women take longer. Just because the man is ready doesn’t mean she’s ready. This is probably the biggest mistake men make—this includes even the more experienced lovers. Being sexual for women involves the totality of the relationship. It includes all the ways a man relates to his woman that lets her know that she is special, appreciated, adored, and desired. If she is planning to be sexual with her man, she is likely to think about it all day in preparing emotionally for this special moment in their relationship. All men have to do is to do or say something that destroys her anticipated fantasy, and her desire is likely to be gone in an instant. Guys should keep that in mind.
Men also underestimate how long it takes a woman to achieve orgasm. It’s estimated that for most women, it takes about 20 minutes. The majority of men can have an orgasm in about two minutes. So, foreplay isn’t just something you have to do before you can enter her. It’s a necessity if you want your woman to have a fulfilling sexual experience as well. So our advice to men is to add an additional 15-20 minutes of foreplay to your love making.
Women Like To Be Romanced, Loved, Appreciated, Cherished, and Treated Respectfully
Here’s our advice to men. If you disrespect your woman and don’t treat her like she’s special outside the bed, don’t expect her to want to jump into one with you! Women have an ongoing, never ending need to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, cherished, and desired. It’s their emotional food. All of us know how important physical food is to survival. Women need emotional food to survive emotionally. And when a man doesn’t give it to her, she’s starving. Women are fed emotionally by caring and loving words, gestures, expressions of appreciations, compliments for not only what they do, how they are, but also how they look. Women also like to be romanced by time together with you on dates, candlelight dinners, moonlight walks, etc. All the kinds of things you did when you were dating. If you’ve forgotten and don’t know how to romance her, ask your woman. She’ll be glad to tell you.
Women Need To Feel Safe To Tell You What Pleasures Them Sexually
We have discussed the fact that the sexual needs of men and women are different—that men usually are aroused quicker and that it takes much longer for women. We’ve also suggested that men add 15 minutes or more to foreplay to allow the woman to gradually become more and more aroused. Men are aroused by the thought of sex; women are more aroused by sensation. It’s sort of like starting a fire. It might take a few minutes to light but slowly, little by little, once it gets started things heat up nicely.
Both during foreplay and intercourse, women need to be able to tell their man what pleases them—where, how, what rhythm, speed, touch, when, and all that. Some women don’t feel comfortable talking to their man about such matters because they believe that he will be offended. After all, many men believe that when they’re “knocking it out of the ball park” that their woman is satisfied. She may not be and is afraid to tell you—unless, you sincerely let her know that you want to know how to pleasure her. Otherwise, she’s likely to lie and put on a performance to make you believe that she had an orgasm when she didn’t. She’s likely to do that to protect your male ego because she’s not sure exactly how you’d respond if you knew the truth. However, don’t expect her to be all that willing to have sex with you because, after all, what is she getting out of it? So the bottom line is if you want more frequent sex, you’ll really want to make sure that you’re pleasing her.
The Afterglow Is As Important To Women As Having Sex
For most men, after sex, guys just want to crash. Men carry a lot of sexual tension. We’ll explain this in our next article on what men want women to understand about their sexual needs. So after a man has had an orgasm, his body relaxes. There is a total system shutdown. But that’s not true for women. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Women return to a semi-aroused state. They want to connect, cuddle, talk, and may even want to have more sex—(it’s a shame that guys don’t know that). So, the afterglow is really important to women, and men would be wise to spend some time after sex to hug, cuddle, and talk to her. Who knows, the two of you just might go back for seconds!