After Affairs: Taking Care of Yourself

After Marriage AffairAfter you find out your spouse has had an affair, you must place extreme importance in taking care of yourself. If you are having trouble eating, sleeping, coping with life in general and/or find it difficult to think straight, the following are some basic tips to make things a bit easier:

1. Getting Professional Health

If you feel that you are not managing your life well and may be incapable of doing so, we highly recommend that you seek the support of a competent mental health professional. Ideally, this may include temporary medication coupled with professional counseling. This is one of the most important ways you can care for yourself as you heal and grow through the grieving process.

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Improve Your Marriage – Be Supportive

The second most common complaint we marriage counselors hear is that spouses don’t feel supported by the other. It’s possible that you might be one of those spouses. If you don’t feel supported, you may feel that you’re carrying an unfair share of the burden in the relationship. And if that’s the case, you probably resent it–especially if your partner is capable of doing more but, for whatever reason, are choosing not to.

To be certain, there are “good times” and “bad times” in life and marriage. There are situations that may require a partner to contribute more because of unexpected circumstances. Right now, for example, your spouse may be laid off and having trouble finding a job. So, you may have to carry a bigger share of the finances until they can find employment. Or you may have a spouse who is seriously ill and you may be required to care for them while also managing the household.

While these two examples are understandable, in many common “day to day” interactions, women and men have their own reasons for not feeling supported. For many women, it is a lack of their spouse’s failure to listen to them, support them emotionally, romance and compliment them, give them love and affection, and give them a hand with the kids and household chores. Men often feel a lack of support because they also don’t feel heard, that their partner doesn’t appreciate or understand their pressures at work, the financial burdens they feel, their need to unwind, love and affection, and of course, their need for sex.

The bottom line is that in order to have a successful marriage, both women and men are required to carry pretty heavy loads. And, by working together, you can support each other to carry that load. You may not know how to do that effectively. And if that’s the case, you may need the support of marriage counselors like us to help you figure out how you can better support each other.

Marriage Counseling Advice: Reward Each Other for Accomplishments

Marriage Counseling AdviceIn our marriage counseling experience, we are often asked what kind of advice can you give that could make the most impact on couples who want to bring new life to their marriages. Our response has always been, the little things are not so little when they are aggregated over years together.  One of those little things has to do with rewarding each other for accomplishments and appreciating each others’ successes.

The Art of Positive Reinforcement in Marriage

Suppose I told you that it was possible to teach a pigeon to bowl. It sounds pretty far fetched doesn’t it? In fact, B.F. Skinner proved it in 1943 by teaching pigeons to bowl by rewarding them through a series of steps until they eventually learned to bowl. Whether it’s animal or human, rewarding the desired behavior is called “positive reinforcement.” There is also “negative reinforcement” meaning that the behaviors we don’t like can also be reinforced.

Unfortunately, far too many of us spend a considerable amount of our time living in an internal world of negativity. Only occasionally do we “peek” our heads out—for a second or two, to allow in a little bit of pleasure. Is it any wonder then, why so many of us are struck in old self defeating patterns of behavior because of our negative reinforcement ways of thinking and acting?

One of the best ways to insure your success together is to reward yourself and each other for each step—for each accomplishment toward achieving your goals, whether individually or as a couple. Take the time to really acknowledge each step in the process no matter how great, how small, or how insignificant. The positive reinforcement you give yourself will inspire, motivate, and propel you to accomplishing your ultimate goals.

Successful couples stay focused on

“possibilities” rather than “negativity.”

Today, and every day, take the time to acknowledge and reward your spouse and yourself for your successes in all areas of life. This little attitude adjustment can have lasting affects on the long-term success of your marriage.  After 30 years of marriage counseling experience, we’re almost ready to guarantee it.