Separation

Reconciling Your Marriage After Separation

In our previous article, we shared some recommended marriage separation steps that we often give to those couples who believe that a temporary separation might be needed in their relationships. Often, the emotional distress and/or tension had become so intense that couples were fearful that they might say or do something that would cause an even greater disruption in the marriage. They have asked our marriage counseling advice about the steps they should take for a trial marriage separation with the possibility of reconciliation at some time in the future.

The intent of most couples who decide to separate for a period of time is to (1) allow for a “cooling off” period, (2) give each the opportunity to assess where they are in the relationship, and (3) decide if they wish to reconcile. If they do, and this is often the case, the couple is hopeful that they will be able to make a fresh start and overcome the problems that lead to the separation.

Separation and reconciliation is a two part process. In the same way that a couple needs to take certain steps to separate, they must also take very specific steps to reconcile. Our suggested steps for reconciliation are as follows:

The Decision To Reconcile Should Be Made Jointly

Just as the decision to separate was made jointly, the decision to reconcile should also be made jointly.

Acknowledgement of Each Partner’s Role in the Marital Problems

Partners need to have an honest, “heart to heart” conversation about the way(s) that their previous behavior contributed to the breakdown in the marriage. Hopefully, each has had some individual counseling to explore their roles in their marital problems. Each partner should ask for forgiveness and state what and how they intend to relate differently.

Development and Implementation of A Reconciliation Plan

In order to insure the greatest possible success, it is important that couples discuss and plan the way that the family will reconcile. Nothing should be assumed but rather carefully thought out and then implemented.

Recommitment To The Marriage

We recommend that partners make a declaration of their intent to re-commit to the marriage. We also recommended that it should be written and signed by both. The declaration should also spell out the frequency that the couple will review this declaration, assess their success, and make changes when necessary. Couples might also consider repeating their marriage vows either informally just between the two of them, with a small limited number of family or friends, or a more formal re-dedication ceremony involving a larger number of persons. It’s a matter of personal preference.

How To: Marriage Separation Steps for Reconciliation

In our marriage counseling, couples or partners often come to us seeking support in dealing with an intense marital situation. When one or both partners are emotionally charged to the extent that they are fearful that either might say or do something that could cause an even greater rift in the relationship, they have asked our advice about the steps they should take for a trial marriage separation with the possibility of a reconciliation at some time in the future. The couple might be stressed because of a continuation of ongoing unresolved conflicts. In other instances, a spouse may be in excruciating emotional pain after learning of a mate’s unfaithfulness and may need time alone to sort out their feelings.

The decision for a temporary separation is always in the hands of the couple. While we may offer our support in helping them to explore all alternatives, if they should decide to separate, we offer the following steps for couples to consider:

The Decision To Separate Should Be Made Jointly

This is especially important if both partners are likely to seek reconciliation at some point in the future.

Agreement Must Be Made On The Length of the Separation

A specific time should be set for how long the partners will remain living separately. For example, the amount of time should be set in weekly/monthly increments of 1, 2, 3 weeks/months, etc. At any time, the couple can renegotiate the time of the separation by shortening or lengthening it.

Agreements Must Be Made About Managing Finances, Child Custody and Visitation, and No Dating During The Separation

During the period of marriage separation, even though partners are living alone, steps must be taken to maintain the marital home—especially if, at some point, the couples decide to reconcile. Partners must decide how, and by whom, each of their household expenses will be paid. They must also agree on how they, together, will explain the separation to their children and their agreements about spending visitation time with the separated parent. The couple must agree to a “No-Dating” agreement during the separation and if, and how, they might be sexual together. The No-Dating agreement is especially important in cases where a partner has been unfaithful.

We Recommend That Each Partner Get Individual Counseling and Couple’s Counseling During The Separation

We recommend individual counseling so that partners can get support in sorting out and assessing where they are in their lives and in the relationship. Often, partners are unaware of their role in the marital conflict and this should be explored. In other instances, especially in cases of infidelity, a partner may need time to deal with their feelings and make a decision about what they want to do. The individual counseling should also include couple’s counseling because it provides an opportunity for the partner’s to work together on their relationship issues and learn new ways to address their problems.

At The End Of The Separation, The Couple Makes A Decision To Reconcile or Divorce

The purpose of the trial separation was to give both partners the opportunity to make a joint decision about the future of the relationship. And most often, at some point, it is clear to one or both the direction they want to take in their lives. To go from a marriage separation to reconciliation requires some additional steps. Those we will present in our article on marriage reconciliation.

The good news is that many of the couples with whom we’ve worked have built stronger and better marriages after being apart for awhile. It doesn’t happen instantly or magically. It is the result of working through their emotional feelings, discovering their roles in the nightmare, and learning some new ways of relating.

Sober Reality of Al and Tipper Gore Separation

A lot of people are talking these days about the recent announcement from Al and Tipper Gore that they are separating. “Why” is a question being asked by many? As expected, there is considerable speculation as people grapple for answers. Whatever the reasons, it is personal and should remain that way. The bottom line is this—that high profile couples, just like the rest of us common everyday folk, often have problems in our marriages. And unfortunately, far too many of us don’t seek help to address whatever needs to be repaired and we remain in denial about the seriousness of our marital situations.

Al and Tipper Gore

We see the Gore’s announcement as a “wake up” call. Yes—a wake up call! Why? It’s because far too many of us take our partners for granted and have marital issues we just haven’t resolved. After being together for awhile, some couples “settle into” simply being together managing work, children, commitments, and everyday chores and do not give each other the kind of meaningful time or attention that each craves.

Couples become more like roommates than lovers—often assuming that their partners will be around forever. What partners often don’t realize is how exhausted, frustrated, and lonely their mates are. There is often an emotional and physical disconnection because of long standing unresolved issues. Many couples don’t know if they can get back to the loving connection they once had.

Separation and possible divorce is not the answer.

The consequences can be devastating for each partner as well as their children—including their adult children and grandchildren. In our article, “I wished I’d Not Gotten Divorced,” we state that these are words we often hear from those who have taken that path who later regret it. We said that “after the papers have been signed, the property divided, child custody settled and the emotional pain subsides, it’s usually too late to turn back after you realize that you’ve made a mistake.”

It has often been assumed that couples in long term marriages who have been together for 30-40 years don’t get divorced because they don’t want to go through the legal and emotional hassles involved. This idea is shared by many of our colleagues in the field of marriage counseling. And while many senior couples don’t divorce, the quality of their lives and relationships are greatly diminished by simply existing in unhappy, unfulfilled marriages.

The emotional turmoil contributes to a host of physical illnesses, emotional stress on their adult children and extended family members, and can contribute to addictions to alcohol and drug use. We believe that couples in long term marriages do not have to accept their unhappy fate. And, it is a mistake for us, as therapists and marriage counselors, to overlook the senior population by not actively offering our services to them.

Make no mistake about it. We are strong advocates for couples staying together, getting help, learning how to deal more effectively with their issues, and “mining for the gold”—the love that that has been buried beneath years of frustration and disconnection. We’ve seen couples completely transform their relationships—time after time—a lot more often than many people would imagine. These couples are happy—really happy for the first time in a long time. It’s not always easy, it’s not for the “faint of heart” or those wanting a “quick fix,” it takes time, and doesn’t happen overnight however, the ultimate payoff for couple’s uncovering the deep love and caring is well worth the time and effort.

So the question is, “where is your marriage right now?”

Perhaps it’s time that you reassessed your own marriage—to give it more of your time and attention. Do not take each other for granted. If you’ve got issues that you can’t resolve or there is an emotional disconnection in your relationship and you can’t fix whatever needs fixing, get help—now!

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Cason Point: Couple avoided Gore point in their 40-year marriage