7 Pillars of a Strong Relationship
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Marriage Counseling Advice: Reward Each Other for Accomplishments

Marriage Counseling AdviceIn our marriage counseling experience, we are often asked what kind of advice can you give that could make the most impact on couples who want to bring new life to their marriages. Our response has always been, the little things are not so little when they are aggregated over years together.  One of those little things has to do with rewarding each other for accomplishments and appreciating each others’ successes.

The Art of Positive Reinforcement in Marriage

Suppose I told you that it was possible to teach a pigeon to bowl. It sounds pretty far fetched doesn’t it? In fact, B.F. Skinner proved it in 1943 by teaching pigeons to bowl by rewarding them through a series of steps until they eventually learned to bowl. Whether it’s animal or human, rewarding the desired behavior is called “positive reinforcement.” There is also “negative reinforcement” meaning that the behaviors we don’t like can also be reinforced.

Unfortunately, far too many of us spend a considerable amount of our time living in an internal world of negativity. Only occasionally do we “peek” our heads out—for a second or two, to allow in a little bit of pleasure. Is it any wonder then, why so many of us are struck in old self defeating patterns of behavior because of our negative reinforcement ways of thinking and acting?

One of the best ways to insure your success together is to reward yourself and each other for each step—for each accomplishment toward achieving your goals, whether individually or as a couple. Take the time to really acknowledge each step in the process no matter how great, how small, or how insignificant. The positive reinforcement you give yourself will inspire, motivate, and propel you to accomplishing your ultimate goals.

Successful couples stay focused on

“possibilities” rather than “negativity.”

Today, and every day, take the time to acknowledge and reward your spouse and yourself for your successes in all areas of life. This little attitude adjustment can have lasting affects on the long-term success of your marriage.  After 30 years of marriage counseling experience, we’re almost ready to guarantee it.

What To Do If Your Partner Refuses Marriage Counseling?

A common reason why many couples don’t go to marriage counseling is because one is willing and the other refuses. The unwilling partner can offer a pile of excuses for not going. Typical excuses include “we can’t afford it,” “I’m not going to have someone tell me what to do,” “we can work it out ourselves if you’d just listen to me,” “the counselors marriage probably isn’t any better than ours,” “counseling doesn’t work,” “I don’t have time,” etc., etc. You get the idea. If your partner is determined not to go to marriage counseling, any excuse will do. Trying to convince them otherwise can be frustrating.

What typically happens is that the willing spouse gets increasingly discouraged and begins to withdraw emotionally and physically from the relationship. The unwilling spouse can become more and more critical and judgmental of their partner. This only serves to intensify the emotional and sometimes the accompanying physical distance between them.

The unwilling spouse may use their partner’s withdrawal as an excuse for having an affair or whatever.  The result can be (1) a painful, frustrating, and loveless dysfunctional marriage, (2) a separation, or (3) a divorce.

What can you do if your partner refuses marriage counseling?

Without question, marriage counseling is best if both of you go to counseling together. That’s preferred. Sometimes it takes a while for an unwilling partner to change their mind about going to a marriage counselor. However, if they continue to refuse, we suggest that you go to counseling on your own without them. Marriage counseling even if done by yourself can help you:

  • learn new skills to improve your communication to promote better understanding and cooperation,
  • learn new strategies for coping more effectively in your relationship,
  • receive ongoing support from a professional that can assist you in making the best choices to improve your marriage,
  • enable you to consider all possible options in deciding whether or not you want to remain or end your marriage.

Marriage counseling can be of tremendous benefit to couples as well as individuals. The ideal is for couples to do it together but when that isn’t possible, we encourage you to go on your own.

Schedule a complimentary consultation to learn how we can help you.

Marriage Counseling Advice: Be Open to Support of Others

We’ve all heard the words of the song, “No man is an island, no man stands alone; we need one another.” These lyrics were inspired by the words “no man is an island, entire of itself”—a quotation from John Donne (1572-1631) that appeared in his Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII. The message is simple yet profound and quite clear—that human beings do not thrive when isolated from others.

Marriage Counseling AdviceDuring our lifetime and marriage counseling experience, we have been blessed to have known many successful people. Each would define success in their own way because it’s personal to each individual. But regardless to how they might define it, there is one thing that they all share in common. They have become successful in their endeavors because they have opened themselves to receive the support of others. In fact, the most successful have attracted the greatest number of people to support them.

While a commitment, a steadfast focus, personal determination and perseverance are required of each individual to achieve their goals, the greatest amount of success will come to those who are open to receiving the support of others. Opening yourself up to support, should go beyond your career, beyond your financial situation… into the realm of your marriage and relationships.  Those who have been there can be a tremendous support to help you navigate the waters.

We want to be quite clear, however, that not all help is supportive. In fact, it is important to determine whose help is supportive and that which is not from among those who come your way. One way to help you decide is by paying attention to what & how you’re feeling inside when in the presence of this other person(s). Do you feel inspired or depleted? You must carefully and thoughtfully open yourself to receive only the assistance of supportive people. And if you can find creative ways to be of mutual support, you, as well as those around you, will achieve your goals much faster and easier.

So open to receive the support of others and offer your support to them as well. By doing so, your success and theirs is an absolute certainty.