Being Ignored in Your Marriage and Relationships

A question we’re often asked is how to keep from being ignored by your mate in a long term marriage as a couple. In the beginning, it wasn’t that way. Your mate was attentive to your needs and desires. But now, you’re feeling ignored, taken for granted, and there’s little emotional connection or intimacy. If you’re being ignored, it’s extremely painful. You may ask for time and attention but your mate may make excuses or downright refuse. It is both painful and abusive to live with someone who professes to love you but who ignores your wants, feelings and desires. If you, or someone you know, is in this situation, it is likely that at one time or another they may have asked themselves, “if I can’t get what I want from this relationship, why am I here?” So, how did you get to this place? What has gone so terribly wrong?

The state of your marriage today represents an accumulation of your life together as a couple. When couples perceive that 50% or more of their experiences together have been fulfilling, mutually satisfying, happy, and rewarding, it results in a stronger bond and loving connection. When the level of satisfaction goes considerably below the 50% mark, the more dissatisfaction couples report about their relationships.

In our experience, the #1 reason why couples have dissatisfaction is because of an inability to communicate what they truly need from each other to feel loved and cared about and the inability to resolve problems in the relationship. Years of accumulated unmet needs produce a continuing disconnect between the couple. They may share the same house but except for their children, may live in two different worlds.

So, how to you overcome the pain of being ignored? The solution is what it has always been. Learn each other’s love language and take action. If you have difficulty accomplishing this on your own, get some professional help. We can help. For the sake of your marriage and your family, let us help you.

Financial Stress in Your Marriage

When couples seek our marriage advice, rarely to they talk about being stressed out over money. Many people, and couples, are worried about their finances. And why not? They have reason to. We’re in a recession.

If you’re in a relationship that has had problems all along, adding financial stress only makes the situation worse. Those problems plus financial stress converge to create a “perfect storm” that can have a devastating impact on relationships.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Buddy & Sophie proved this to be true in sharing their story in our book, “Mining for Gold In Your Relationships.” It wasn’t their financial problem that was the problem. Rather, it was the way they reacted to each other because of the problem.

Problems, no matter what the issue(s) might be, are not solved at the level of the problem. Attempting to solve problems at this level, most often, only results in couples fighting, blaming and criticizing each other, and being frustrated by “get nowhere” arguments that don’t lead to any solutions. We taught Buddy and Sophie a simple process to go beneath their surface issues involving money and enabled them to not only find a solution but resulted in them finding the “gold”–a deeper and more loving connection. They also have more money.

The Torture of Abuse in Marriage and Relationships

A lot is being said these days about abuse and torture in the military among detainees. Far too many people don’t have to look “over there” to find abuse because it’s closer for them in their own homes.

Sometimes, people are not aware that they are in an abusive marriage or relationship.

Let’s look at some of the characteristics.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner:

-Is overly jealous or possessive toward you

-Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding

-Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships

-Is violent and/or loses their temper quickly

-Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with

-Abuses drugs or alcohol

-Claims that you are responsible for their emotional state

-Blames you when they mistreat you

-Makes “jokes” that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you either privately or publicly

-You or your partner or both grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship

-You’ve left repeatedly and then return against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones

-Constantly keeps track of your time

-Accuses you of being unfaithful or flirting

-Discourages your relationships with friends and family

-Prevents or discourages you from working, interacting with friends or attend school

-Constantly criticizes and belittles you

-Controls all finances and forces you to account for what you spend

-Destroys or takes your personal property or sentimental items

-Has had multiple affairs

-Threatens to hurt you, your children or pets. Threatens to use a weapon

-Pushes, hits, slaps, punches, kicks, or bites you and/or your children

So what do you do if you or someone you know is living in an abusive relationship?

-Face the fact that things are not going to get better because you ask your partner to and they say they’re sorry.

-Abusive relationships cannot be changed from one side. Both must be open, honest, have a willingness to change and follow through

-If the abuser is unwilling to seek help, we urge you to leave before you or your children are hurt.

-Both of you must get individual professional counseling to overcome the pattern of abuse. If the abuser is unwilling, then you should seeking counseling on your own

-Help is readily available by searching the internet, police department, churches, and social service agencies.