We have been asked many times why Imago Therapy focuses on affirmations rather than criticism in marriage. In our Imago workshops and Mining for Gold marriage counseling, our focus on affirmations is deliberate for the following reasons:

Criticism in marriage is very destructive to relationships. Most people don’t like to be criticized regardless of the reason. Criticism rarely, if ever, brings about any positive outcome because it’s not problem solving—it’s simply venting and complaining. When you criticize your partner, they are likely to feel judged, hurt, misunderstood, sad, depressed and unmotivated. They are likely to respond by turning away from you and disconnecting emotionally, physically, or both.

Affirmations, on the other hand, affirm the value, worth, dignity, respect, and esteem of our partners. It’s an acceptance of them—not so much for being what we want them to be but allowing them the space to be themselves without criticism or judgment. That takes a high level of maturity and Imago therapy enables couples to get there so that partners turn toward each other and remain connected.

Affirmations inspire us to be our very best selves. When each partner is affirmed and that they are loved, appreciated, supported, cared for, and that their partner is committed to them and the relationship, each brings their very best “selves” to the relationship. Positive affirmations in marriage enable both persons to experience the highest level of happiness, joy, fulfillment, and contentment in their relationship. And if the couple is fortunate to have children, they can flourish in this kind of loving environment. It’s a state that we affirm for every person, every child, and every couple.