Communication is critical to marriage success! Yet, your man has shut down and won’t tell you what he’s thinking or how he feels.  What can you do to get your man to open up and talk to you more?  After 30 years of marriage counseling experience, we offer you these suggestions to open him up:

1. Talk Less – Listen More

Most men would say that they don’t feel heard; that their woman wants to be heard but they don’t listen to their man.

If you want your man to open up and talk to you, then you must listen to what he has to say. And when I say listen, I mean to really listen to understand what he’s attempting to communicate. Listen carefully, sincerely, and completely to his thoughts and ideas— period! And after he has shared his ideas, validate them. Until he feels heard, he is not likely to share his ideas or listen to yours. So what if you don’t agree with his ideas, we’ll get to that in a minute. Just keep reading for now.

2. Don’t Interrupt Him

Nothing breaks down communication faster than being interrupted when you are talking. This is particularly true for men— especially if they believe that their woman doesn’t care about what they have to say anyway. Far too often, women are so anxious and determined to correct their man by pointing out the flaws in his thinking, or his getting the “facts” correct, or committed to their opinion/solution that they interrupt him while he is attempting to communicate. They “jump in” and interrupt him before he has finished sharing his ideas.

This frequently leads to an argument—that leads to frustration and anger—that leads to a breakdown in the communication process—and can lead to the breakdown in the relationship. The key to successful relationships and problem solving is to keep the communication going. So, listen to your man without interrupting him.

3. Ask Questions

You can encourage your man to open up more by asking him sincere, open ended questions. They should not be “loaded,” or opinionated, or questions that attempt to solicit and/or manipulate him into a particular answer or response that you want. If your man perceives that you have an agenda behind your question(s), he is likely to shut down. However, questions where you sincerely want to hear him fully and completely can open the doors to him sharing more freely with you. As a result, it can significantly improve the quality of your relationship.

4. What If You Don’t Agree With Him?

At the “hearing what you have to say” point in your discussion, it’s not necessary that you agree. You’ll have a chance to have your say but right now, while he’s sharing, this is not the time. Hearing what your man has to say is of primary importance. You are not likely to get to a mutually satisfying agreement or resolution until or unless both of you have been heard completely. When everything has been “laid on the table,” then, and only then, can the two of you come together to create a plan or solution. I am suggesting that you not offer any ideas or opinions even if you don’t agree until your man has had his say. Do not interrupt or correct him at this point.

Know that the two of you are not likely to agree initially. That is expected. You are two separate independent people who have your own ideas, opinions, and perceptions about the same and different things as well as the “facts.” That is really O.K. In fact, it is a good thing. When both people can share their thoughts, then, a wider set of ideas and possible solutions are communicated and can be taken into account by both persons in the problem solving and decision making process. Based upon all of the suggestions that have been shared, you are now better prepared to make a joint decision about whatever needs to be done for mutual benefit.

5. Give Him Time To Respond

Sometimes women ask their man a question about something that he has not thought about. Your man is likely not to think about the same things that you think about and he may need time to think about your question before he is prepared with a response. Often, women have already devoted a considerable amount of time thinking about the question. Not only have they thought about it, they are likely to have researched it, talked to others about it and soliciting their ideas, and often have pretty much made a decision. So, you’ve been with the question for quite a while. Your man has not and you are asking him to respond “off the cuff.” So, when you ask him what he thinks, isn’t it reasonable then that he may need time to think about it before he can arrive at his own ideas and opinions about it?

Offer him time to think about the question. For example, you might say, “I’d like to know your thoughts about _____. You probably will want some time to think about it and I want you to have the time you need. So, can we talk about it tomorrow (or at some agreed upon day/date) at ____(time) and you can tell me where you are in your thinking about it?

6. Express Sincere Gratitude For His Sharing

All of us tend to repeat the things we are acknowledged for. This is especially true when you want your man to open up and share more. Let him know that you sincerely appreciate and value his ideas and that they mean a lot to you. Each time he opens up and talks to you, acknowledge him for it.

So, these are my suggestions on how to get your man to open up more and talk to you. I sincerely hope they have been helpful. I know that I’ve only “scratched the surface” of this extremely important topic.

- Jesse

Often, women are shocked when they come to us for marriage-couple’s-or relationship counseling and their men open up, start talking freely, and begin sharing their very deep thoughts and concerns—things they have not communicated before. Women find it nearly impossible to believe.

For the first time, in a long time, their man has opened up and women are surprised to discover that he has a lot to say. But if you asked them why their man has remained “closed mouth” when they attempt to talk at home, most women couldn’t answer that question. I’m going to attempt to provide some insight in this brief article. I’ll begin with just one word of caution. That is, I cannot speak for all men; however, much of what I want to share applies to a great many men and has been learned from our over 30 years of marriage counseling experience.

The first point I’d like to make is throughout a man’s life—from birth, childhood, his schooling, dating, marriage, and even into old age men have a lot of women telling them what to do. Many, if not most women feel the need to make suggestions, “share their ideas,” or “advise” the boy/man because they know what’s best for him.” Maybe you’ve heard the old adage that “men wouldn’t know how to come out of the rain unless a woman told them how to.” That’s really an insult. It diminishes his dignity and self worth.

It explains, in part, one of the reasons why some men have the tendency to shut down and don’t talk especially if he doesn’t feel heard. It also explains one of the reasons why some women have trouble attracting and keeping a man. Just as women want someone to talk to and be heard, validated, and understood so do men. But many men believe that they can’t “get a word in edge wise.”

If the man feels that he’s not going to be heard, he may find someone else to talk to who will hear what he has to say. And we know that there are always females who’ll give him time, attention, and conversation, or whatever. It has been reported, for example, that some men are so desperate to be heard that they will pay a prostitute just to listen to them. Also, if a man believes that he’s going to be told what to do, he’s likely to shut down and/or exit the relationship emotionally or physically.

If you are in a relationship with a man, and you believe that you have figured out a solution to whatever any given situation is, then all you have to do is to convince your man that you are right. If he raises an objection or has other ideas or alternatives to suggest, they are often not heard and/or discarded by the woman. So, when he is asked to offer an opinion, most men have decided that it isn’t going to be heard anyway so why bother saying anything. Rather than being angry or frustrated, many men decide that they don’t want to have an argument like so many others they’ve had with their woman that just wasn’t very pleasant. So, they just shut down and don’t talk.

In case women who’re reading this article wonder about how accurate my description and explanation is, let me respond by saying that this is precisely the kind of thing that men talk to each other about when they’re together at the local “watering hole.” Men simply complain that often they don’t feel heard by their woman. They don’t want to go home and argue. So, their solution is to keep quiet. Is it a solution? Absolutely not! People have to talk together to solve and resolve mutual problems—especially if you’re a couple. But many men just don’t know how to get their woman to listen, in all earnest, to what they have to say.

I also want to note that recent brain research seems to suggest that women, physiologically, may have some advantage in their ability to process a broader range of factors in considering alternative courses of action in problem identification and problem solving. Certainly, women do tend to take into account specific factors that most men just don’t think about. And while that may be true, it is also important to point out that whatever a woman may think about, it is only one point of view. Men also have a point of view too. When both points of view are offered and considered, the couple is likely to make better decisions together because considerably more perspectives are being taken into account.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse Johnson