Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is every married person’s worst nightmare. It is considered by most as being the worst of all human experiences.  Our marriage counseling couples can attest to the very, real pain they feel.

The partner that you believed you could count on and who would be faithful to you no longer exists. This means that you and your spouse may be able to make the marriage better but things will not be quite the same as they were before your discovery of the infidelity.

Getting over the shock of the affair involves going through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has described as the “Stages of Grief.” They apply to the process many people go through whenever there is an important loss of a loved one—and in the case of infidelity—the loss of faith in or breech of trust in one’s marriage. As each phase is described, consider where you might be now if you are the victim of an affair.

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Our life’s work, as marriage counselors and Imago therapists, has always been to help enrich and restore marriages. Reconciliation requires two, committed people who are willing to do the work. Unfortunately, there are times when our best advice is to not reconcile after marital affairs.

When we recommend not to reconcile…

Serial Cheaters

Unfortunately, we cannot recommend reconciling marriages when there has been a pattern of repetitious infidelity—as in the case of the “serial cheater.” This pattern is often a signal of a deviant character disorder that requires psychological treatment by a competent mental health therapist. A person with such a disorder may not feel any remorse for their behavior. Often, the person is unwilling to seek therapy and/or blame their behavior on their spouse rather than taking responsibility for their own dysfunctional behavior.

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