Comments on: Open Marriage: Just Say No! http://mfgmarriage.com/open-marriage-just-say-no/ Couples and Marriage Counseling, Imago Workshops, Pre-Marital Counseling Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:16:45 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Professor Taboo http://mfgmarriage.com/open-marriage-just-say-no/comment-page-1/#comment-566 Professor Taboo Sun, 03 Jul 2011 14:39:00 +0000 http://mfgmarriage.com/?p=635#comment-566 In the marital context that you're both discussing & advising, i.e. a relationship/marriage ALREADY in serious need of introspection, reciprocal honesty, & constructive healing, I feel your recommendation of "Say no" to OM, is correct.  The scenario you've setup is just like a bad flesh wound; you must clean it out thoroughly, then protect it by covering with steril bandages.  Not performing these procedures most surely makes the injury very prone to infection.  However, the lifestyle of a healthy happy open-couple who respectfully honor each other & equally important honor any 'secondaries' involved, who have years of wonderful experience then dropping a crippled troubled couple into the mix is comparing apples to oranges.  It would be like taking an elementary student, putting them into an undergraduate classroom and after several classes expecting the young adolescent to attain an exceptional or proficient grade!  The hurting crippled couple must first successfully traverse their elemental issues of self-awareness, articulated proactive communication, & several other critical ingredients that do indeed solidify a healthy, happy marriage/partnership. Melva, Jesse, the reasons you've pointed out to "Say no" are indeed valid in the proper timeline.  But quite contrary to any disapprovals you & others may have against open-marriages in general or on a societal level SHOULD NOT be based on a cure-all for a struggling or failing marriage.  Doing so will most likely exacerbate the problems causing further emotional, mental, or spiritual damage. The incredibly profound environment that open-marriage creates for all participating HEALTHY marriages actually affords levels of intimacy & transparency that ANY relationship at ANY point should possess, but usually for the reasons of fear (in several forms), couples sometimes choose to slip into a "comfort zone" that encourages forms of repression or denial -- like the proverbial ostrich head in the sand.  Not good.  The open-lifestyle or polyamorous lifestyle too often gets misconceived as a cure or amnesia pill; not correct in the least.  In reality it is a most refreshing, invigorating lifestyle, BUT it is a graduate-level course after successful completion of fundamentals. Hope I've shed a little light here?  Best wishes for all. "Fear stifles, Courage fulfills." In the marital context that you’re both discussing & advising, i.e. a relationship/marriage ALREADY in serious need of introspection, reciprocal honesty, & constructive healing, I feel your recommendation of “Say no” to OM, is correct.  The scenario you’ve setup is just like a bad flesh wound; you must clean it out thoroughly, then protect it by covering with steril bandages.  Not performing these procedures most surely makes the injury very prone to infection.  However, the lifestyle of a healthy happy open-couple who respectfully honor each other & equally important honor any ‘secondaries’ involved, who have years of wonderful experience then dropping a crippled troubled couple into the mix is comparing apples to oranges.  It would be like taking an elementary student, putting them into an undergraduate classroom and after several classes expecting the young adolescent to attain an exceptional or proficient grade!  The hurting crippled couple must first successfully traverse their elemental issues of self-awareness, articulated proactive communication, & several other critical ingredients that do indeed solidify a healthy, happy marriage/partnership.

Melva, Jesse, the reasons you’ve pointed out to “Say no” are indeed valid in the proper timeline.  But quite contrary to any disapprovals you & others may have against open-marriages in general or on a societal level SHOULD NOT be based on a cure-all for a struggling or failing marriage.  Doing so will most likely exacerbate the problems causing further emotional, mental, or spiritual damage.

The incredibly profound environment that open-marriage creates for all participating HEALTHY marriages actually affords levels of intimacy & transparency that ANY relationship at ANY point should possess, but usually for the reasons of fear (in several forms), couples sometimes choose to slip into a “comfort zone” that encourages forms of repression or denial — like the proverbial ostrich head in the sand.  Not good.  The open-lifestyle or polyamorous lifestyle too often gets misconceived as a cure or amnesia pill; not correct in the least.  In reality it is a most refreshing, invigorating lifestyle, BUT it is a graduate-level course after successful completion of fundamentals.

Hope I’ve shed a little light here?  Best wishes for all.
“Fear stifles, Courage fulfills.”

]]> By: Tweets that mention Open Marriage: Just Say No! — Marriage Counseling | Pre-Marital Counseling | Imago Workshops -- Topsy.com http://mfgmarriage.com/open-marriage-just-say-no/comment-page-1/#comment-103 Tweets that mention Open Marriage: Just Say No! — Marriage Counseling | Pre-Marital Counseling | Imago Workshops -- Topsy.com Thu, 05 Aug 2010 00:07:42 +0000 http://mfgmarriage.com/?p=635#comment-103 [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by jesseandmelva, Jesse Melva Johnson. Jesse Melva Johnson said: Wow, we're loving the discussion on "open marriages" from our readers. Good stuff! http://mfgmarriage.com/a0g [...] [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by jesseandmelva, Jesse Melva Johnson. Jesse Melva Johnson said: Wow, we're loving the discussion on "open marriages" from our readers. Good stuff! http://mfgmarriage.com/a0g [...]

]]> By: Melva Johnson http://mfgmarriage.com/open-marriage-just-say-no/comment-page-1/#comment-93 Melva Johnson Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:44:02 +0000 http://mfgmarriage.com/?p=635#comment-93 Thank you for sharing what works for you and husband. The key for me is that both of you talked about this and are in full agreement as to what mutually fulfilling each other’s needs means to you. Every couple has to work that out for themselves like the two of you did. Jesse and I talked about it and were crystal clear that monogamy was and still is the only way to go for the vast majority of couples. Even though OM works for you, it has not always worked for some couples who later in their relationship history discovered it was a bad idea for them and they are still recovering from the aftermath. It is of vital importance that couples engage in the process of talking about their differences and making agreements that both can live with. It means getting on the same page and being in agreement about what works for each partner. At times, both may have the same or similar ideas. At other times, they may be quite different and possibly more challenging to negotiate. It appears that both of you were able to communicate what you wanted from each other and found a way(s) that honors both of you. For sure there is no cookie cutter format for what makes a marriage work for every couple. Sometimes the decisions made in the beginning of a marriage may last a lifetime of being together. Sometimes they don't. Reviewing and evaluating your agreements, decisions and ways of living together is not a bad idea. Best wishes to the both of you. Warmly, Melva Thank you for sharing what works for you and husband. The key for me is that both of you talked about this and are in full agreement as to what mutually fulfilling each other’s needs means to you. Every couple has to work that out for themselves like the two of you did. Jesse and I talked about it and were crystal clear that monogamy was and still is the only way to go for the vast majority of couples. Even though OM works for you, it has not always worked for some couples who later in their relationship history discovered it was a bad idea for them and they are still recovering from the aftermath. It is of vital importance that couples engage in the process of talking about their differences and making agreements that both can live with. It means getting on the same page and being in agreement about what works for each partner. At times, both may have the same or similar ideas. At other times, they may be quite different and possibly more challenging to negotiate. It appears that both of you were able to communicate what you wanted from each other and found a way(s) that honors both of you. For sure there is no cookie cutter format for what makes a marriage work for every couple. Sometimes the decisions made in the beginning of a marriage may last a lifetime of being together. Sometimes they don’t. Reviewing and evaluating your agreements, decisions and ways of living together is not a bad idea. Best wishes to the both of you.

Warmly,

Melva

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