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Open Marriage: Just Say No!

Say No to Open MarriageOccasionally, we have been asked in our marriage counseling sessions if an affair or an open marriage would help a marriage.  Many couples are so overwhelmed with their marriage, they are willing to do whatever it takes to fix it — even agreeing to absurdity like open marriages.  We strongly advise against open marriage. Problems must be fixed within the marriage. Affairs only complicate things.

We’d like to offer the following reasons why open marriage is a bad idea:

1. Open Marriage Can Be Extremely Damaging To Your Spouse’s Self Esteem

Not always, but most often, one spouse proposes to have an open marriage. What is really being communicated is that their partner is somehow deficient, not capable or not good enough in some area(s) of the relationship. Imagine the negative impact on your spouse.

2. Open Marriage Is An Diversion

Successful marriages require work. The most important work is on one’s self. A successful marriage is not so much as finding the right person as it is in being the right person. Open marriage only diverts us from doing the work necessary to create meaningful, long term, mutually satisfying relationships.

3. Open Marriages Can Be Socially Embarrassing and Humiliating

Society generally frowns on open marriages. And when it is discovered that a couple is engaged in an open marriage, it can be embarrassing not only for the couple but especially for their children. Your response might be that “I don’t care what society thinks. I’m living my life the way I choose.” That’s fine. But remember that there are always consequences for the choices we make.

So our advice is to say no to open marriage.


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  • http://househo.wordpress.com/ Househo

    Open Marriage is when a couple can freely discuss any topic without ridicule from their partner. WE as individuals have hang ups and issues that can and does cause our partner’s pain, discomfort and dissatisfaction.
    While you push for a partner to “keep quiet” about their own dissatisfaction in turn to keep their loved one’s self esteem in an healthy state is ludicrus. NO ONE should cater to their spouse and ignore then own needs, wants and a happiness.
    A happy, healthy, loving marriage is a joint effort that is a constant changing entity that both people must be in constant communication and on the same level.
    You are just promoting cheating and keeping their spouse oblivous of the real issues. Open Marriage has saved my my marriage and my personal growth. I am no longer suppressed and neither is my husband and for that we are free to experience all that life has to offer. Together.

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Jesse Johnson

      We seem to be hearing a lot from those who have OM that are working for you. I’m curious about hearing from those who tried OM and it didn’t work for them and the reasons why it didn’t. Would anyone care to comment on this? I think it would add a lot to this discussion.

      Thanks,

      Jesse

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Melva Johnson

      Thank you for sharing what works for you and husband. The key for me is that both of you talked about this and are in full agreement as to what mutually fulfilling each other’s needs means to you. Every couple has to work that out for themselves like the two of you did. Jesse and I talked about it and were crystal clear that monogamy was and still is the only way to go for the vast majority of couples. Even though OM works for you, it has not always worked for some couples who later in their relationship history discovered it was a bad idea for them and they are still recovering from the aftermath. It is of vital importance that couples engage in the process of talking about their differences and making agreements that both can live with. It means getting on the same page and being in agreement about what works for each partner. At times, both may have the same or similar ideas. At other times, they may be quite different and possibly more challenging to negotiate. It appears that both of you were able to communicate what you wanted from each other and found a way(s) that honors both of you. For sure there is no cookie cutter format for what makes a marriage work for every couple. Sometimes the decisions made in the beginning of a marriage may last a lifetime of being together. Sometimes they don’t. Reviewing and evaluating your agreements, decisions and ways of living together is not a bad idea. Best wishes to the both of you.

      Warmly,

      Melva

  • Trixie

    You’ve shared some interesting thoughts, Melva. I’m the wife in a 13+ year open marriage (OM) and we’ve been open the entire span of our marriage. Wonderfully, we’re lovers and best friends and OM has only been an excellent choice for us.

    While I agree that OM isn’t something to be entered into lightly, I don’t know that OMs cause any more breakups than traditional relationships do. It’s certainly been a marriage-saver for many couples, though.

    1. Open Marriage Can Be Extremely Damaging To Your Spouse’s Self Esteem

    Very few involved in OMs would encourage other couples to even contemplate an OM unless both in the relationship are comfortable with the idea. My view is that unless the OM was decided before the wedding, it’s a whole new ballgame with a whole new set of rules and that it’s up to the person suggesting the OM to make the adventure as easy and palatable for the other half because they’re the ones changing the parameters of the relationship.

    As far as OM being damaging to a spouse’s self esteem, I can’t see it happening unless the relationship is already lacking in respect and love. Without love and respect, neither traditional nor open marriages can thrive.

    This also ties in to: 2. Open Marriage Is An Diversion

    You write: “The most important work is on one’s self. A successful marriage is not so much as finding the right person as it is in being the right person.”

    In saying that, working on one’s self would limit the damage to self-esteem by rating oneself on a scale set by a spouse. Working on one’s self seems to seek a goal that would let a person feel good about themselves no matter what someone else thinks.

    My own experience is that marriage has been easy, easy, easy – in our second year of marriage I even asked my husband if marriage is supposed to be this easy. We love and respect each other, don’t go to bed angry, cut each other a lot of slack, treat each other as grown-ups and neither of us parents or scolds or limits the other. By being in an OM, we’ve had the lucky experience of sharing taboo fantasies, torrid secrets and orgasmic adventures. This level of intimacy has incredibly touched every part of our marriage. We can discuss literally anything and simply don’t have arguments.

    3. Open Marriages Can Be Socially Embarrassing and Humiliating

    I was born and raised in a home totally concerned with social values and mores and keeping up appearances to fit in. Ugh.

    I love the fact that I can create the unique marriage my husband and I want for ourselves. Early on, I decided to ignore the opinions of anyone who doesn’t pay my bills and it’s worked out brilliantly. In 13 years we’ve lost one pair of acquaintances (he was happy to know us, she wasn’t) but we haven’t lost any true friends.

    Any minority group which has any kind of social impact currently didn’t get it by playing safe and worrying about embarrassment or humiliation. The Gay & Lesbian cultures may still have critics but they’re getting quieter while the rest of us wonder what the critics are on about. We’re all people. What does it matter, in the great scheme of things, if people’s pink bits are connecting in socially acceptable ways? Unless my pink bits are involved, it’s not my business.

    OMs, like traditional marriages, are not the reason a marriage fails. Successful marriages are all tied in with respect and love and, as long as it’s mutual, all is well.

    Cheers,
    Trixie

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Jesse Johnson

      Hello Trixie:

      Thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful response. It’s much appreciated and has added a great deal to the discussion about OM. From my experience working with couples, what I find most often is that one partner attempts to coerce the other into agreeing to an OM against the wishes of the other partner. If the partner doesn’t agree, the partner wanting an OM may decide that they will have sexual experiences with others and may attempt to justify their behavior because their partner disagrees to an OM. We do not recommend that couples engage in an OM if a partner has strong objections. Apparently, you and your partner have made agreements regarding your OM that has enhanced your relationship. Great! Basically, a successful marriage is one in which both parents create a way of being together that enhances their lives and relationship. What works for one couple, however, may not work for another. And, I have also seen things working great for some couples in OM, however, over time, unforeseen problems may arise that place a real strain on the marriage. It takes two special people, like the two of you, for it to work. Thanks again for your comments and my sincere best wishes to both of you.
      Jesse

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Melva Johnson

      Hi Trixie:
      Thank you for you for your response. What you shared makes a lot of sense because it appears that you and your husband are very clear about what works for you. Since our work with couples includes helping them to define their vision for the quality of life they want to build together and what works best for them to live under the same roof in a way that meets each others needs and is in alignment with their core values. It looks like both of you have done just that. Best wishes to both of you on your life journey together

  • unogotme

    Hi,
    Open marriage is a mutual agreement between two persons who want to have more of life by the enjoyment of others.
    Honest and open communication negates damaging one’s spouse’s self esteem. We share between us openly so that the other can be mature. Inner feelings and desires are included.
    OM has not taken away from the norms of our marriage. We pay attention to each other and continue to have the usual fights and make ups of marriages. OM just strengthens the relationship.
    I agree that society frowns but you cannot live your life to please others. While we do not go about shouting that we are in an OM marriage, we declare it openly and who does not want to be our friend or family, so be it!
    Uno

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Jesse Johnson

      I’m delighted that Open Marriage seems to be working for you. And while that might be the case for the two of you, based upon our professional experience, it has been devastating for many couple’s marriages. The point of the article was to suggest that couples who may be considering OM take into account the experiences of others and the possible consequences if things don’t work out as well as it has been for the two of you. Congratulations and my continued best wishes,
      Jesse

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Melva Johnson

      I absolutely agree with you that open marriage is a mutual agreement between two persons. What two people agree on is the crux of how they build the foundation of their relationship. To me that means that having a monogamous marriage is also a mutual agreement between two persons. Only the two people involved have the leverage and power to decide what works for them. As each individual in the marriage grows and evolves, so does their insight, perspective and needs. Continuing to review what works about the agreement and what needs to be re-evaluated is always a good idea.
      Best wishes to both of you.

      Warmly,
      Melva

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  • http://twitter.com/ProfessorTaboo Professor Taboo

    In the marital context that you’re both discussing & advising, i.e. a relationship/marriage ALREADY in serious need of introspection, reciprocal honesty, & constructive healing, I feel your recommendation of “Say no” to OM, is correct.  The scenario you’ve setup is just like a bad flesh wound; you must clean it out thoroughly, then protect it by covering with steril bandages.  Not performing these procedures most surely makes the injury very prone to infection.  However, the lifestyle of a healthy happy open-couple who respectfully honor each other & equally important honor any ‘secondaries’ involved, who have years of wonderful experience then dropping a crippled troubled couple into the mix is comparing apples to oranges.  It would be like taking an elementary student, putting them into an undergraduate classroom and after several classes expecting the young adolescent to attain an exceptional or proficient grade!  The hurting crippled couple must first successfully traverse their elemental issues of self-awareness, articulated proactive communication, & several other critical ingredients that do indeed solidify a healthy, happy marriage/partnership.

    Melva, Jesse, the reasons you’ve pointed out to “Say no” are indeed valid in the proper timeline.  But quite contrary to any disapprovals you & others may have against open-marriages in general or on a societal level SHOULD NOT be based on a cure-all for a struggling or failing marriage.  Doing so will most likely exacerbate the problems causing further emotional, mental, or spiritual damage.

    The incredibly profound environment that open-marriage creates for all participating HEALTHY marriages actually affords levels of intimacy & transparency that ANY relationship at ANY point should possess, but usually for the reasons of fear (in several forms), couples sometimes choose to slip into a “comfort zone” that encourages forms of repression or denial — like the proverbial ostrich head in the sand.  Not good.  The open-lifestyle or polyamorous lifestyle too often gets misconceived as a cure or amnesia pill; not correct in the least.  In reality it is a most refreshing, invigorating lifestyle, BUT it is a graduate-level course after successful completion of fundamentals.

    Hope I’ve shed a little light here?  Best wishes for all.
    “Fear stifles, Courage fulfills.”