Occasionally, we have been asked in our marriage counseling sessions if an affair or an open marriage would help a marriage. Many couples are so overwhelmed with their marriage, they are willing to do whatever it takes to fix it — even agreeing to absurdity like open marriages. We strongly advise against open marriage. Problems must be fixed within the marriage. Affairs only complicate things.
We’d like to offer the following reasons why open marriage is a bad idea:
1. Open Marriage Can Be Extremely Damaging To Your Spouse’s Self Esteem
Not always, but most often, one spouse proposes to have an open marriage. What is really being communicated is that their partner is somehow deficient, not capable or not good enough in some area(s) of the relationship. Imagine the negative impact on your spouse.
2. Open Marriage Is An Diversion
Successful marriages require work. The most important work is on one’s self. A successful marriage is not so much as finding the right person as it is in being the right person. Open marriage only diverts us from doing the work necessary to create meaningful, long term, mutually satisfying relationships.
3. Open Marriages Can Be Socially Embarrassing and Humiliating
Society generally frowns on open marriages. And when it is discovered that a couple is engaged in an open marriage, it can be embarrassing not only for the couple but especially for their children. Your response might be that “I don’t care what society thinks. I’m living my life the way I choose.” That’s fine. But remember that there are always consequences for the choices we make.
So our advice is to say no to open marriage.
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About Melva Johnson
Open Marriage is when a couple can freely discuss any topic without ridicule from their partner. WE as individuals have hang ups and issues that can and does cause our partner’s pain, discomfort and dissatisfaction.
While you push for a partner to “keep quiet” about their own dissatisfaction in turn to keep their loved one’s self esteem in an healthy state is ludicrus. NO ONE should cater to their spouse and ignore then own needs, wants and a happiness.
A happy, healthy, loving marriage is a joint effort that is a constant changing entity that both people must be in constant communication and on the same level.
You are just promoting cheating and keeping their spouse oblivous of the real issues. Open Marriage has saved my my marriage and my personal growth. I am no longer suppressed and neither is my husband and for that we are free to experience all that life has to offer. Together.
You’ve shared some interesting thoughts, Melva. I’m the wife in a 13+ year open marriage (OM) and we’ve been open the entire span of our marriage. Wonderfully, we’re lovers and best friends and OM has only been an excellent choice for us.
While I agree that OM isn’t something to be entered into lightly, I don’t know that OMs cause any more breakups than traditional relationships do. It’s certainly been a marriage-saver for many couples, though.
1. Open Marriage Can Be Extremely Damaging To Your Spouse’s Self Esteem
Very few involved in OMs would encourage other couples to even contemplate an OM unless both in the relationship are comfortable with the idea. My view is that unless the OM was decided before the wedding, it’s a whole new ballgame with a whole new set of rules and that it’s up to the person suggesting the OM to make the adventure as easy and palatable for the other half because they’re the ones changing the parameters of the relationship.
As far as OM being damaging to a spouse’s self esteem, I can’t see it happening unless the relationship is already lacking in respect and love. Without love and respect, neither traditional nor open marriages can thrive.
This also ties in to: 2. Open Marriage Is An Diversion
You write: “The most important work is on one’s self. A successful marriage is not so much as finding the right person as it is in being the right person.”
In saying that, working on one’s self would limit the damage to self-esteem by rating oneself on a scale set by a spouse. Working on one’s self seems to seek a goal that would let a person feel good about themselves no matter what someone else thinks.
My own experience is that marriage has been easy, easy, easy – in our second year of marriage I even asked my husband if marriage is supposed to be this easy. We love and respect each other, don’t go to bed angry, cut each other a lot of slack, treat each other as grown-ups and neither of us parents or scolds or limits the other. By being in an OM, we’ve had the lucky experience of sharing taboo fantasies, torrid secrets and orgasmic adventures. This level of intimacy has incredibly touched every part of our marriage. We can discuss literally anything and simply don’t have arguments.
3. Open Marriages Can Be Socially Embarrassing and Humiliating
I was born and raised in a home totally concerned with social values and mores and keeping up appearances to fit in. Ugh.
I love the fact that I can create the unique marriage my husband and I want for ourselves. Early on, I decided to ignore the opinions of anyone who doesn’t pay my bills and it’s worked out brilliantly. In 13 years we’ve lost one pair of acquaintances (he was happy to know us, she wasn’t) but we haven’t lost any true friends.
Any minority group which has any kind of social impact currently didn’t get it by playing safe and worrying about embarrassment or humiliation. The Gay & Lesbian cultures may still have critics but they’re getting quieter while the rest of us wonder what the critics are on about. We’re all people. What does it matter, in the great scheme of things, if people’s pink bits are connecting in socially acceptable ways? Unless my pink bits are involved, it’s not my business.
OMs, like traditional marriages, are not the reason a marriage fails. Successful marriages are all tied in with respect and love and, as long as it’s mutual, all is well.
Cheers,
Trixie