Introduction

How wonderful it felt! Finally, after a long search and countless disappointments, you suddenly thought you‘d met your soul mate. And being so happy, you wanted to return that love. If you ever found yourself annoyed with your beloved you apologized right away and moved back into your loving – and fun-loving – connection.

You made a commitment to each other, believing that your love would conquer everything. But somewhere between two minutes to two years later, the quality of that romantic connection began to change. Your heart, once throbbing with desire, pounded from frustration. Little upsets that you once handled quickly took longer to resolve – or never got resolved. Your partner displayed more of those traits that push your buttons.

How could my beloved say that? How could the one I love ever act like that? You felt your affection shrink from irritation. What happened?

At this point – understandably – you reacted by letting your significant other know what was on your mind. You had your first real argument. And then another, until they became part of a pattern. Accused of being critical and judgmental, you countered with, ―How dare you! Frustrated, you urged your partner to open up and talk, but met a cold shoulder. Feeling an impasse, you disconnected, not knowing what else to do. You had no place to go with your feelings, and may have felt more lonely that when you were actually alone. What went wrong?

After a cooling-off period, the two of you began to talk again, but not about the original issue. You knew you had a problem, but you chose not to mention it – at least for the time being. After all, you had developed an endless list of frustrations. No need to wake a sleeping bear or open Pandora‘s box. It felt easier to handle other things and let them divert your attention from the issue at hand, at least for the moment. But you used to get along so well.

How did you change into feeling so terribly frustrated by each other? Why did your partner stop listening to you and start talking for you? Did you choose the wrong person?

Welcome to Stage Two

The romantic phase has faded and the power struggle ensues. The problem is that most couples don‘t realize that this is a natural transition within any committed, long-term relationship. Far too often, couples hit this stage like a wall of bricks and react by breaking up and calling it quits.

More than 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. Of couples who stick it out, more than 75 percent report that unresolved conflicts create ongoing dissatisfaction in important areas of their relationship. They describe habitual interactions with their partners as ―hot, ―cold, or ―lukewarm; and those patterns often repeat themselves in any new relationship they might seek after divorce.

Fighting distracts couples from the underlying causes of their conflicts. Most remain at the level of unidentified symptoms, unaware that the root of the problem lies deep beneath the surface. Criticizing, blaming each other, declaring themselves right and their partner wrong – ultimately these common reactions can destroy what could have otherwise become an immensely rewarding shared journey through life.

Focusing on surface conflicts and discontents – all symptoms of a bigger problem and work still to be done – keeps the couple from progressing to the next natural stage of their relationship. Over time, the Mining for Gold process helps to build a foundation of emotional support that lets each partner feel loved and cared about.

We‘ve seen again and again that the MFG process help couples achieve the loving relationship they both desire. We know the scenarios so well, because we‘ve heard them hundreds of times from our clients. And since we‘re married to each other, much of what we hear mirrors our own experience. What Goes So Terribly Wrong In Our Relationships? In an ideal world, your first painful experience would teach you to make better decisions in the future. But mysteriously, most of us repeat the same hurtful scenarios over and over—with the same predictable outcomes.

Why do we subject ourselves to repeated disappointments? Because too many of us are love-starved and long for an intimate connection with someone who understands and supports us. And we don‘t give up the search for a lifelong partner to fill that void and give us the love we want.

The worst kind of loneliness is to feel alone when you‘re with someone. You may try to distract yourself by diverting time and attention to other things. You may feel even more intensely disappointed because you once enjoyed that loving connection you always desired, and then it vanished – again.

Many of us end relationships through separation or divorce – others remain together, bearing the discomfort as best they can. Yes, you can enjoy joyful moments if you choose to stay together, but you deserve more than brief periods of connection. You can learn to sustain a better connection that endures. But to create mutually safe, effective communication that lets each partner be heard requires knowledge and skills you were most likely never taught – until now. This book offers what you need to create a loving relationship, and then continually sustain it over time.

Couples who cling to the Hollywood myth of ―living happily ever after are shocked to find that no matter how much they love each other, frustrations – obstacles to intimacy – are inevitable. Since you can‘t avoid them, the Mining for Gold process is a useful way to deal with them effectively, while also using them to gain positive and valuable benefits.

What is Your Story?

Many of us have some idea of the traits our ―soul mate should have. And consciously and unconsciously, we search for that ideal person. What were you looking for in a love partner? How did you meet your current partner or your most recent ex who had those traits? At that time, what was going on in your life: at work, with your family, with your friends?

When you first began to be attracted, what about this person got your attention? How did the two of you communicate that attraction? When did you begin to date? When did your relationship become serious? If you married, when did the topic of marriage come up? What was the proposal like? How about the courtship and wedding plans? What was the honeymoon like? How long did the romantic stage last? When did the quality of your relationship begin to change? What was it like being together? How was your partner different? How were you different? What is or was your greatest frustration with that person? How do you or did you address those frustrations? Where did you seem to get stuck?

Many of us fantasize about the relationship of our dreams, but never exercise the same imagination regarding what to do when our relationships are in trouble. We tend to think more about growing old together and less about the work it takes to get there. Before we became a couple we both listed traits they looked for in a ―soul mate. They went through the predictable stages of attraction and romance and prepared to live together as a blended family.

Not long afterward, living under the same roof, each began to notice little things that before they had not paid much attention to. All couples must find ways to manage their differences. If your partner squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube, and you from the bottom, one simple solution is for each of you to have your own toothpaste, to eliminate irritation. But repetitive, emotionally charged conflicts require a great deal more in terms of behavioral investigation and modification. To handle those more serious conflicts, MFG is a powerfully effective tool.

A Life-Changing Moment

We were moving along, enjoying our life together, and continuing to build our counseling practice. Both of us were seasoned therapists with over 22 years of experience. Over our professional lives, we had helped people work through their issues at home, at work, and in the community. But our least favorite clients were couples.

We studied various approaches to marriage therapy, trying different strategies from a number of theorists. Our success was minimal at best. Eventually, we decided it wasn‘t ethical to invite couples to come to our office and pay us to take sides as they fought the same way they did at home. It seemed that we only served to reinforce whatever frustrations and rage they were already experiencing.

During some sessions couples became extremely agitated and we had to struggle to calm them down and guide them in a more positive direction. But one factor was always consistent – these couples in distress were experiencing tremendous emotional pain. We could empathize because of our own failed marriages, and we decided that we needed to take a different approach.

We began working with each partner individually, and after several individual sessions, brought them together – only to watch them start fighting all over again! Finally we decided that couples therapy just wasn‘t for us. And then we saw Harville Hendricks on Oprah. Oprah‘s crew had taped Dr. Hendrix in action conducting one of his Imago Couples Weekend workshops.

Oprah also interviewed couples who talked quite candidly about the kinds of problems that had plagued their relationships. Some admitted that without help, they would certainly have divorced. Harville explained the dynamics that had kept them mired in frustration, and the couples told of amazing insights and positive change.

Afterwards, we called the show to get more information about Harville‘s work and inquire about possible training. As a prerequisite for training, we had to attend an Imago weekend workshop for couples. The same workshop Melva saw on Oprah.

The workshop was a wonderful, growth-inspiring weekend. We learned healing tools and life-changing processes that offered marvelous benefit for us and for our clients. After 23 years of marriage, we thought we knew each other thoroughly. And we did, but still needed to dig beneath our ongoing conflicts. We were really clueless about what our basic frustrations and conflicts were, and what they were trying to teach us.

Unfolding before us – and vague at first – was a blueprint to help us grow into higher-functioning individuals. And it showed us the way to relate as never before. We left the workshop feeling more deeply connected. But when those same old frustrations surfaced in our day-to-day interactions, we couldn‘t sustain our good feelings. We each expected the other to change, convinced that one of us was ―right and the other was ―wrong.

Finally we had to stop blaming and criticizing each other. Whenever our buttons got pushed, we had to move through our reactivity and overcome our natural impulse to see each other as the enemy. When we finally used the tools we had learned from Harville there was an immediate shift toward a welcome emotional reconnection.

What Changed for Us?

Before, we would have a fight, not fully understanding why. And we had no reliable way of resolving our differences. But what we learned during the Imago Couples Workshop weekend and the subsequent Imago Clinical Training for Therapists gave us practical tools to help us understand our conflicts and work through them in mutually satisfying ways.

After an argument, we used to stay angry and emotionally disconnected for days. Even when we tried to re-connect, the issue was simply pushed aside, not resolved. It would always come up again with greater intensity, because we‘d carry all our previous anger into future situations. Imago allowed us a chance – and a system – to resolve issues faster and re-establish loving connections more quickly. Imago Relationship Therapy gave us the concepts and tools we needed. We now spend a great deal more time being affectionate, supportive, and appreciative of each other.

As therapists, Imago has given us the foundation to help couples achieve significant, desirable differences in their relationships. Couples have become our favorite clients. Imago‘s powerful tools help them manage their reactivity, express their needs and fears, and have their partners understand their emotional feelings. It‘s truly wonderful to watch couple after couple move through their conflicts and connect heart to heart. The closer you feel to another person, the safer and vulnerable you‘ll be. So committed relationships are where frustrations grow the most troublesome. And if frustrations continue unresolved, eventually they will impact your relationship‘s stability and erode its foundation.

If you‘re reading this book, it‘s likely you expect a lot from yourself and from those closest to you. Those expectations are sometimes unrealistic, but every time your partner doesn‘t meet them, you‘re apt to express your annoyance in no uncertain terms. If your frustrations intensify, you may start looking for ways to exit the relationship – emotionally, physically, or legally.

The simple but extremely effective MFG process has helped thousands of couples to resolve their differences and ―different-ness. We offer a step-by-step process to turn repetitive, ongoing annoyances into deeper, loving connections that transform frustration into a wealth of opportunity. Isn‘t that why you two got together in the first place?

The Couples Who Contributed

Each of the couples who contributed their case histories to this book attended a 22-hour weekend workshop that we conducted. Digging beneath their surface frustrations, they realized what they really needed from each other. And they finally learned to ask for it in a way that vastly increased the likelihood that they would get it, and continue to get it, for the duration of their relationship. Over the following year, they participated in a monthly 90-minute follow-up session that we also drew upon for this book.

Mining for Gold Digital

Chapter 1 – Blame and Criticism – From Romance to Rage

Chapter 2 – Beginning Within – From Reaction to Introspection

Chapter 3 – The 10 Most Common Relationship Problems

Chapter 4 – Dealing with Financial Problems

Chapter 5 – Affairs: Rewriting the Fairytale Romans

Chapter 6 – Balancing Romance and Work

Chapter 7 – Reconcilable Differences

Chapter 8 – Built Up Frustrations and Resentments

Chapter 9 – It’s Never to Late to Find Love

Chapter 10 – Reluctance to Give Up Past Mistakes

Chapter 11 – Uncovering the Gold in Your Marriage

Chapter 12 – Meditation

You’ll also receive our award-winning Mining for Gold ezine.
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