Marriage Affairs: Figuring Out What Happened

If you are a spouse who has been cheated on, in order for both of you to recover from the affair, it is essential that you figure out what happened so that you can fix what needs to be corrected in your relationship and move forward.

Most likely, you’ll discover that it is not just one thing. There are probably several things including long-term conflicts, disagreements, and certain needs that have not been successfully addressed or resolved between you. If they are not handled now, they will only come up again, and again, and again until they are either resolved or you decide that it’s hopeless. This is when some spouses consider ending the relationship, are vulnerable to having an affair, and/or become so depressed over the situation that they withdraw emotionally, physically or both.

If you’ve tried repeatedly, but unsuccessfully, to do everything you knew to do to address whatever has been stressing you in your marriage, then it is of critical importance that you get help. We strongly suggest that you seek the assistance of a competent, professional marriage counselor.

Before proceeding we would like to make some important points about people and affairs. The first point is that there are many people who honor their marriage vows no matter how difficult or challenging things many become in their relationship. These people stick by their commitment no matter what. Then, there are other people who are ready to exit the marriage at the first sign of conflict. Often, their attitude is, “I’ll stay awhile and see how things work out.” So if things don’t work out the way they want, they are ready to “check out” of the relationship. So what makes the difference?

What Determines Whether or Not People Honor Their Commitment To Their Marriages?

1. Their Emotional Level of Maturity

Some people may have matured physically but not necessarily emotionally. They have not yet developed to the point of being able to assume adult responsibility—at least in certain areas. They may be successful, (or not), in their careers yet their level of maturity regarding relationships is lacking.

One example would be those spouses who spend a disproportionate amount of time “hanging out” with their friends rather than attending to the needs of their spouses and children. While spending time with one’s friends is okay, we are addressing the amount of time and how a spouse’s preference to be “out” than “at home.” Rather than facing and resolving whatever problems might exist in their home, these men, or women, attempt to cope by finding lots of things to do outside of their homes and may blame their spouse’s for the reason why they do.

They usually prefer partying, drinking, or using drugs, gambling, hanging out at bars, picking up as many sex partners as possible, and simply finding all kinds of “not okay” things to do. Often, they have huge “ego” needs and are sometimes motivated by doing the kinds of things they did, or wanted to do, when they were teenagers.

If their irresponsibility includes using the household funds to engage in these self-indulgences, this could place the family at risk of not having those things that are needed for their well-being.

2. Family Modeling

Those people who grew up in families were their parents honored their marriage commitment by not cheating often tend not to cheat as often—if at all. In these families, the parents often modeled for their children how to work together, resolve problems, and the importance of honoring your marriage vows.

In those families where there was a lot of conflict and unresolved problems, where one or both parents cheated, the modeling for their children was that lots of unresolved conflict that might include physical fighting is “normal” in marriage and that cheating is “acceptable” behavior. A child may believe that this is what it means to be “a man” or “a woman”—related to one’s identify. The modeling from the parents sometimes left a conscious and/or unconscious impression on their children by modeling how not to work together to resolve conflicts and that it is okay to have outside relationships to get your satisfaction needs met elsewhere.

We want to make clear that simply because a person’s parents may have modeled cheating does not necessarily mean that all children in the household decided that it was okay. In fact, the opposite may have been the case where a child may have decided that it was unacceptable because they witnessed the pain and suffering it caused within the family. Such persons may be extremely sensitive to their partner’s cheating and will not tolerate such behavior even if it is suspected.

3. Their Comfort Level With Intimacy

Some people have real difficulty being emotionally vulnerable to other people in close intimate relationships. To protect themselves, they maintain a certain level of emotional distance by “keeping their guard up” in an attempt to keep them safe. They may have decided to do this long ago because of the intense pain they experienced as children with their parents, siblings, classmates, and/or others. This decision not to be emotionally close to others may have been reinforced by painful experiences they may have had in their failed adult relationships.

No matter whatever the cause, this person may have decided that one way of keeping themselves safe is not to become too vulnerable to any one person. Therefore, by not fully committing to any one person it is possible not to become too emotionally dependent on any one. By cheating, by having several sexual partners, they believe they can maintain their emotional distance and keep themselves from being hurt.

To change, such persons must “go beneath the surface of their distress” (that we call “mining for the gold”) to get in touch with the underlying reasons why they cheat and work this out with the help of a therapist.

Please stay tuned, this article is one-part of a long series–Marital Affairs: The Harsh Reality and Going Beyond. Sign up for our newsletter below to stay updated on the latest additions!