Marriage Affairs: Getting Over the Shock

Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is every married person’s worst nightmare. It is considered by most as being the worst of all human experiences.  Our marriage counseling couples can attest to the very, real pain they feel.

The partner that you believed you could count on and who would be faithful to you no longer exists. This means that you and your spouse may be able to make the marriage better but things will not be quite the same as they were before your discovery of the infidelity.

Getting over the shock of the affair involves going through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has described as the “Stages of Grief.” They apply to the process many people go through whenever there is an important loss of a loved one—and in the case of infidelity—the loss of faith in or breech of trust in one’s marriage. As each phase is described, consider where you might be now if you are the victim of an affair.

Stages of Grief Applied To

Getting Over The Shock of an Affair

Phase One: Denial

On the initial discovery of the affair, there is usually a period of shock that often includes denial. Denial is a natural “flight” response that allows us the time to mentally process what is a very painful, hurtful, distressing situation. You may tell yourself that this can’t be happening to you—that this is just a bad dream and you’ll wake up to discover that your nightmare has ended. You may not want to think about it and may have to force yourself to do so. It is important to “face up” to what has happened, to remind yourself that this is not your choice, the affair did happen, and that you need to make some serious and thoughtful decisions in response to it.

Phase Two: Blame

In this phase, a betrayed spouse may incorrectly blame himself or herself or the other person in the triangle for the infidelity. This may be an unconscious attempt to salvage some sense of “good will” for the cheating spouse believing that it was either your fault or the relentless pursuit of your partner by this other person. The underlying belief is that my spouse would not have been unfaithful if I had been a better spouse and/or if the other person they cheated with had not gone after them so relentlessly. Of course this is inaccurate. It may be true that you were not the perfect spouse or that the other person pursued your spouse, the bottom line truth is that your spouse made the decision to have an affair and is ultimately responsible for his or her own behavior.

Phase Three: Intense Anger Along With A Range of Emotional Feelings

It is a common experience for spouses who have become aware of their partner’s infidelity to be flooded with a lot of thoughts that carry with them an emotional reaction. These often include a range of positive and negative experiences during your marriage, conversations you’ve had, decisions you’ve made, etc.—all that have had an important impact on you.

As these thoughts flood your mind, you may find yourself going through a range of emotional feelings including an intense amount of anger and rage. You may be angry at your spouse for their betrayal and putting you and your family through this. You may be angry at the third party for their involvement. You may be angry at yourself for not noticing the signs so that you could have stopped the affair from happening. You may be angry at the people who knew about it but failed to tell you.

You may even be angry at God for allowing such a horrible thing to happen. It’s important that you give yourself permission to be angry—to allow yourself to at least be aware of it. Remember that under your anger is probably a tremendous sense of pain. So, it is important that you also allow yourself to feel the hurt.

In any given moment, as well as from moment to moment, you may feel a wide range of emotional feelings. These may include an intense amount of sadness, disgust, rage, self pity, fear, jealousy, love, caring, coldness, indifference, annoyance, depression, unforgiving, critical, attacking, impatience, feeling disagreeable, along with numerous others. It is important that you allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you are feeling without censoring any of them. By allowing yourself to feel each of your emotions that are likely to be connected to a specific thought or experience, you are allowing yourself to release the emotional energy connected to it.

In time, as you release the emotional charge of these feelings, you allow them to “wash” through you. As you do, you will feel better, more relaxed, and “clear headed” that is essential in your making those extremely important decisions that you’ll need to make.

Phase 4: Bargaining

Bargaining represents the initial beginning of the decision making process that deals with temporarily coping with the recently discovered affair. It includes one or both partners negotiating agreements required in the “short term” while the couple decides what they will do in the “long term” regarding the future, if any, of the marriage.

Sometimes, a spouse, especially if they are the guilty party, will make any kind of agreement if they are fearful that their mate will leave the marriage. In time, they may have second thoughts about the agreement they’ve made. They may fail to keep them especially if they decide to violate the agreement without first discussing and re-negotiating some new terms in the agreement. This only serves to reinforce the distrust of the violated partner, which stifles the healing process.

Phase 5: Depression

Depression is a common emotional response in the aftermath of the discovered affair. Depression is sometimes defined as “anger turned inward.” Often, the reality of the affair coupled with the knowledge of problems in the marriage that have not been worked out, the betrayed partner grieves for the relationship that once was—that was less complicated and affair-free. The aggrieved partner may sink into a deep depression often described by sufferers as having a “heavy cloud over your head.” It may make it extremely difficult for the person to function—to handle simple “day to day” activities, to even get up in the morning. Professional help is highly recommended to enable the sufferer to cope and manage their daily activities.

Phase 6: Acceptance

Acceptance is the ultimate goal in working through the grief of the affair and healing from it. To move forward with your life and/or your marriage, it is essential that you come to accept what happened. You also need to accept that it wasn’t your fault and that any guilt belongs to the one who had the affair. Acceptance does not mean that everything is okay but you are.

Acceptance does not mean that you just forget or “sweep under the rug” what happened. This would be a huge mistake. First of all, you are not likely to be able to forget about the affair even if you wanted to and secondly, the affair provides you and your spouse with a unique opportunity to finally discuss and address those marital issues you may have had for years and have not resolved.

It is important to note that each phase of grieving is a process that takes time and is not to be rushed through. Allow each phase to take as long as it takes to ensure that you have taken the steps required to heal and grow through the experience.

Please stay tuned, this article is one-part of a long series–Marital Affairs: The Harsh Reality and Going Beyond. Sign up for our newsletter below to stay updated on the latest additions!