Fighting in marriage in inevitable because spouses are going to have differences of opinion, perspectives and values about many things. We have 30 years of marriage counseling and Imago therapy experience to guarantee you — your marriage will never be conflict free.
The question should not be, how do we avoid conflict? The question should be, how can we fight fair to actually grow our marriage?
Fighting fair in marriage is an attitude and a skill; a skill that must be learned and practice to have a successful marriage. The following are some basic guidelines for fighting fair in marriage:
Deal With The Issue Quickly – don’t let it linger indefinitely
Deal With Only One Issue At A Time – don’t “kitchen sink” your partner by bringing up everything you’ve been upset about
Avoid “Put Downs” and Generalizations – avoid words like “you always, you never, you are always right or wrong, good or bad,” etc.
Listen Without Interrupting – take turns listening and ask questions to clarify what’s being communicated
Don’t Fight In Front Of Your Kids – arguing in front of your children is child abuse. They don’t want to hear it anyway.
Don’t Bring Up Past Mistakes, Hurts, or Issues From The Past – don’t dig up the past. Stay in the present with the topic at hand.
Avoid Name Calling and Personal Insults – name calling and personal insults might help you to win the argument but may also cause you to lose your marriage.
Make It A “Win-Win” Outcome For Both of You – you can only win if you both win.
By learning and practicing fighting fair in marriage, the connection between you will deepen your love, respect, and appreciation for each other.
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