The results are in. Numerous research studies have concluded convincingly that the majority of children are affected when their parents’ divorce. Not only are they affected during their childhood, it appears that they are affected into their adult lives.
So how does divorce affect children? From our 33 years as marriage counselors and therapists, we’d like to share just three of among the many ways that children are affected by divorce.
1. When parents divorce, the whole world that children have come to depend on is shattered. Children become fearful—not knowing what will become of them and the world that they’ve known. And because they’re children with vivid imaginations, they can create in their minds horrible outcomes which they don’t express. Not wanting things to become worse than they already are, their fears remain unspoken.
2. The fear that children experience makes them feel extremely uncertain and insecure. In spite of their parents attempt to offer reassurance that they are going to be okay, it usually has little effect because divorce impacts children emotionally. While the parents must deal with the emotional impact of divorce, imagine what it must be like for children.
3. Children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Children, like adults, need to make sense out of traumatic, painful experiences. Children are affected by divorce because they have a need to know why their parents are divorcing. So they conclude, incorrectly, that it’s their fault. They might think, “if only” I had put my toys away, cleaned up my room, gotten better grades, did what my parents told me to do, etc., etc., then my parents wouldn’t be divorcing.
So, how are children affected by divorce? Think about it from the child’s way of seeing things. If you’ll do this, you’ll know that it’s not a good thing for kids. And the unfortunate thing is that the overwhelming number of parents who divorce really don’t need to. We’ve seen countless numbers of couples learn how to communicate better, resolve conflicts, become better, happier people, stay together and create wonderful relationships.
About Jesse Johnson
Divorce can be extremely traumatic to families, especially children. My children’s picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad takes us through a myriad of emotions that two children, Stephen and Alex, experience through this tumultuous period. Young Alex especially gives an extremely candid and honest account of the day-to-day trauma, the hostility and at times the many poignant memories that he has. Living with Mom, Spending Time with Dad also addresses the concerns and anguish of being torn between two parents. Throughout the story there is that underlying hope that everything will turn out alright and everyone will be back in their original comfort zone.
Thank you for sharing your personal story of the impact of divorce on your children. Your experience mirrors that of so many children whose lives have been devastated by their parents divorce. It is precisely for this reason that we plead with parents to seek the help of marriage counselors like us to address the problems in their marriages. It is estimated that 80% of such marriages can be saved with a combination of marriage counseling and education programs. Far too often, the biggest obstacle is husbands who refuse to get help. And unfortunately, it is their children who pay the greatest price.
It is true that divorce is traumatic and understanding the impact on children escapes most of us. Children love their parents and even though they see and are affected negatively by the conflict and break up of their caretakers, through magical thinking many fixate on the good times they experienced with both as well as their desire for things to turn around. I applaud the author for giving a voice to these two children so that adults can learn about their internal struggle, vulnerability and the coping skills the children are developing that they will carry into their adult love relationships.