How Does Divorce Affect Children?

How Divorce Affects ChildrenThe results are in. Numerous research studies have concluded convincingly that the majority of children are affected when their parents’ divorce. Not only are they affected during their childhood, it appears that they are affected into their adult lives.

So how does divorce affect children? From our 33 years as marriage counselors and therapists, we’d like to share just three of among the many ways that children are affected by divorce.

1. When parents divorce, the whole world that children have come to depend on is shattered. Children become fearful—not knowing what will become of them and the world that they’ve known. And because they’re children with vivid imaginations, they can create in their minds horrible outcomes which they don’t express. Not wanting things to become worse than they already are, their fears remain unspoken.

2. The fear that children experience makes them feel extremely uncertain and insecure. In spite of their parents attempt to offer reassurance that they are going to be okay, it usually has little effect because divorce impacts children emotionally. While the parents must deal with the emotional impact of divorce, imagine what it must be like for children.

3. Children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Children, like adults, need to make sense out of traumatic, painful experiences. Children are affected by divorce because they have a need to know why their parents are divorcing. So they conclude, incorrectly, that it’s their fault. They might think, “if only” I had put my toys away, cleaned up my room, gotten better grades, did what my parents told me to do, etc., etc., then my parents wouldn’t be divorcing.

So, how are children affected by divorce? Think about it from the child’s way of seeing things. If you’ll do this, you’ll know that it’s not a good thing for kids. And the unfortunate thing is that the overwhelming number of parents who divorce really don’t need to. We’ve seen countless numbers of couples learn how to communicate better, resolve conflicts, become better, happier people, stay together and create wonderful relationships.


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  • http://www.robleyblake.com RobleyBlake

    Divorce can be extremely traumatic to families, especially children. My children’s picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad takes us through a myriad of emotions that two children, Stephen and Alex, experience through this tumultuous period. Young Alex especially gives an extremely candid and honest account of the day-to-day trauma, the hostility and at times the many poignant memories that he has. Living with Mom, Spending Time with Dad also addresses the concerns and anguish of being torn between two parents. Throughout the story there is that underlying hope that everything will turn out alright and everyone will be back in their original comfort zone.

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Jesse Johnson

      Thank you for sharing your personal story of the impact of divorce on your children. Your experience mirrors that of so many children whose lives have been devastated by their parents divorce. It is precisely for this reason that we plead with parents to seek the help of marriage counselors like us to address the problems in their marriages. It is estimated that 80% of such marriages can be saved with a combination of marriage counseling and education programs. Far too often, the biggest obstacle is husbands who refuse to get help. And unfortunately, it is their children who pay the greatest price.

    • http://mfgmarriage.com Melva Johnson

      It is true that divorce is traumatic and understanding the impact on children escapes most of us. Children love their parents and even though they see and are affected negatively by the conflict and break up of their caretakers, through magical thinking many fixate on the good times they experienced with both as well as their desire for things to turn around. I applaud the author for giving a voice to these two children so that adults can learn about their internal struggle, vulnerability and the coping skills the children are developing that they will carry into their adult love relationships.

      • Kimab83

        I am the mother of two little boys who were 8 and 6 when my husband and I divorced.  We were married 11 years and the last 5 were very unhappy and tense.  My children were struggling with the unhappy and tense atmosphere in our home.  Their father was never home.  He was either working or out with his friends til all hours of the night.  When he was home he was locked in a room on a computer playing video games and ignored me and the children.  Til this day he has never watched his boys open christmas gifts on Christmas morning or blow out the candles on their birthday cake.  Now that we are divorced my boys are happier.  He still doesn’t spend much time with them but when he does he gives them a lot of attention and they have been able to establish a close relationship.  Sometimes,  when you have tried everything, counseling, therapy, talking, church, and even trial separation, and it doesn’t change anything, you realize you have to do what is best for you and your children.  Now they have a mother who is happy and not depressed and stressed.  They have a father who is attentive and who has a close relationship with them.  Divorce is very painful and should never be entered into lightly but sometimes it is for the best.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1499523163 Mikeomerta Vasquez

          I do all those thing with my kid and more, yet my wife will find fault in who I am and is unhappy.  I said something the wrong way or criticized her about something.  I find the problem with marriage is woman thinks a man will change as life changes and they don’t.  I bet your husband was that way before you married him. As for me, I am very sarcastic before I was married and still am. Now my wife complains about it. 

          The second problem is men think woman wont change and they do. I remember before being married my wife was actually fun. Now all she does is want to sit home. Overall marriage aint easy and if you dont have one person willing to change for the other, it aint going to work.  In my case, my wife wants me to change who I am because of the simple fact she is tired of my personality. 

          When one spouse wants the other to change, that is when the problem starts.  For marriage to work, except people for who they are and find fun things to do together and your marriage will last. If you try and change people and just do the same old routine everyday, say good by to your marriage, male or female.