In our marriage counseling, couples or partners often come to us seeking support in dealing with an intense marital situation.

The decision for a temporary separation is always in the hands of the couple. While we may offer our support in helping them to explore all alternatives, if they should decide to separate, we offer the following steps for couples to consider:

The Decision To Separate Should Be Made Jointly

This is especially important if both partners are likely to seek reconciliation at some point in the future.

Agreement Must Be Made On The Length of the Separation

A specific time should be set for how long the partners will remain living separately. For example, the amount of time should be set in weekly/monthly increments of 1, 2, 3 weeks/months, etc. At any time, the couple can renegotiate the time of the separation by shortening or lengthening it.

Agreements Must Be Made About Managing Finances, Child Custody and Visitation, and No Dating During The Separation

During the period of marriage separation, even though partners are living alone, steps must be taken to maintain the marital home—especially if, at some point, the couples decide to reconcile. Partners must decide how, and by whom, each of their household expenses will be paid. They must also agree on how they, together, will explain the separation to their children and their agreements about spending visitation time with the separated parent. The couple must agree to a “No-Dating” agreement during the separation and if, and how, they might be sexual together. The No-Dating agreement is especially important in cases where a partner has been unfaithful.

We Recommend That Each Partner Get Individual Counseling and Couple’s Counseling During The Separation

We recommend individual counseling so that partners can get support in sorting out and assessing where they are in their lives and in the relationship. Often, partners are unaware of their role in the marital conflict and this should be explored. In other instances, especially in cases of infidelity, a partner may need time to deal with their feelings and make a decision about what they want to do. The individual counseling should also include couple’s counseling because it provides an opportunity for the partner’s to work together on their relationship issues and learn new ways to address their problems.

At The End Of The Separation, The Couple Makes A Decision To Reconcile or Divorce

The purpose of the trial separation was to give both partners the opportunity to make a joint decision about the future of the relationship. And most often, at some point, it is clear to one or both the direction they want to take in their lives. To go from a marriage separation to reconciliation requires some additional steps. Those we will present in our article on marriage reconciliation.

The good news is that many of the couples with whom we’ve worked have built stronger and better marriages after being apart for awhile. It doesn’t happen instantly or magically. It is the result of working through their emotional feelings, discovering their roles in the nightmare, and learning some new ways of relating.

Marriage Separation Steps is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

The questions are intended to help you give you information that you need to know so that you can make an informed decision about committing to spend the rest of your life with this person. In responding to the questions, it is essential that both of you be “gut-wrenchingly honest”—that you tell the truth and the whole truth as you respond to the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise.

100 Questions Before Marriage: Part 1, Part 2, and  Part 3

These questions have been modified somewhat from a Christian Broadcasting Network program by Julie Ferwerda in 2007. It was entitled, “Talk It Out Before You Say, ‘I Do.’” Both partners are to take turns answering the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise. You may take as much time as you need to go through the list. After all, you’re planning to be married for life so you can afford to take the time

100 Questions Before Marriage: Your Life Purpose

Your biggest goal in life is to

You find satisfaction in life by

Before you die, what would you like to have accomplished?

Your purpose in life is to

Your dream is to someday

You will be ready to die when you’ve

100 Questions Before Marriage: Your Past

The best part of your childhood was

The worse part of your childhood was

The scariest thing that ever happened to you was

Something that I’m afraid to tell anyone about my past was

A past situation that could affect your future is

The way you feel about your past relationship history is

100 Questions Before Marriage: Part 1, Part 2, and  Part 3

100 Questions Before Marriage: Your Purpose Your Past is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

We’re sometimes asked why we encourage couples to answer the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise.

If couples are engaged and considering spending the rest of their lives together, it is essential that each know as much as possible about each other. It’s one thing to hide a pimple with some makeup. It’s another to hide or withhold information about your personality flaws, previous life style, bad decisions, and negative habits. Partners need to know in advance what they’re getting into.

There is no need to attempt to hide your flaws. We all have them. There are no perfect people. All of us have at least one thing—if not more, that we don’t feel good about from our past. So, it’s best to “fess up” because sooner or later your partner is likely to discover them anyway.

The questions in these 100 Questions Before Marriage are designed to help you give and receive information about each other before you get married. And if there are issues or problem areas that need to be worked out in advance of the marriage, you will be able to make a plan for addressing them—hopefully, before the marriage.

The next series of questions is called, “What You Need To Know About Me.” We suggest that both partners take turns answering this section of the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise. You may take as much time as you need to go through the list. After all, you’re planning to be married for life so you can afford to take the time.

What You Need To Know About Me

Three things I like most about me are

Three things I like least about me are

My greatest personal strength is

My greatest personal weakness is

Someone that I really admire is

When I’m afraid, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.

When I’m sad, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.

When I’m angry, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.

When I’m lonely, I usually respond by ___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.

When I’m tired, I usually respond by ____________. How I’d like to respond is___________.

In general, I think most men are

In general, I think most women are

What I fear most is

What I need most is

My usual frequent mood is

The things I hate the most are

I get angry when

The things I worry about the most are

I’m most ashamed of

I dislike people who

When someone is unfair, I usually respond by

I find my greatest joy in life when

What hurts me the most is

An accomplishment I feel most proud of is

Something I feel the most regret about in my life is

When someone is disappointed with me I usually respond by

When someone is angry with me I usually respond by

I think people should say they’re sorry when

The parts of my body I like most are

The parts of my body I like least are

Now that you have completed this section of the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise, we’d suggest that both of you take a piece of paper and record those responses that impacted you the most. After you’ve both had a time to record your responses, we would suggest that you share those responses with each other and have a “heart to heart” conversation about it.

100 Questions Before Marriage: What You Need to Know About Me is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

The following questions from our 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise addresses the greatest problem areas in marriage.

By assessing, confronting, and working through possible conflicts now before the marriage, it is possible to reduce major challenges a couple would have to face after the marriage.

We know that many of the questions in this section of our 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise may be considered quite personal by some people. Some questions, in fact, may make some people quite uncomfortable. We would suggest that in spite of your discomfort that you both answer the questions. Again, it is better to address these issues now rather than later. We encourage you to take as much time as you need to respond to each question.

100 Questions Before Marriage: Attitudes About Sex, Money, and Household Maintenance is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

The goal of these 100 Questions Before Marriage is to enable couples to have more successful marriages.

In our pre-marriage counseling, we encourage married couples to also go through these 100 Questions Before Marriage even though they are already married. Answering these questions might reveal specific areas where couples often find themselves in conflict. By identifying these problem areas, it is possible that couples can have a “non-emotionally charged” conversation and arrive at a way of addressing them more successfully.

These series of questions focus on your attitudes about marriage, relationships and family. Partners should take turns answering the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise. We encourage you to take as much time as you need to respond to each question.

MY ATTITUDES ABOUT MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS and MY DISCLOSURE ABOUT MY FAMILY

The thing I like most about my family is

The thing I like least about my family is

The way(s) my mother treated my father was

The way(s) my father treated my mother was

What I learned from my parents about how marriage works is

The people in my family who were addicted to alcohol were

The people in my family who were addicted to drugs were

The people in my family who have been or who are incarcerated are

The people in my family who are mentally ill are

The problems their behavior has created in my life is

My expectations about when and how often we should visit my family members are

My expectations about how we will deal with my family’s expectations around holiday visits are

If we should have a conflict around our family’s expectations, the way we will deal with it is by

When I have a disagreement with another person, what I usually do it

In addition to the children you already know I have, I also have ____ number of other children

My relationship with my child(ren’s) birth mother/father is

How they have impacted my life is____________. How they might impact our lives is___________.

I want to get married because

What I believe it takes to have a good marriage is

The biggest mistakes I’ve made in previous relationships are

What I’ve learned the most from my mistakes in those relationships is

The things I’d be giving up to get married are

The things I’d be gaining by getting married are

What I fear most by getting married is

What I fear most about getting married to you is

Some of the problems I think we might have in our marriage is

If you should be unfaithful to me, I am likely to respond by

If you do not support me in the ways I need to be supported, I am likely to

The number of children I’d like for us to have, if any, are ______.

The things I will do to help us co-parent our children are

If we should ever have problems in our marriage, what we will do is

We continue to suggest that both of you take a piece of paper and record those responses in this section of the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise that impacted you the most. After you’ve both had a time to record your responses, we would encourage you to share those responses that impacted you the most and then have a “heart to heart” conversation about them.

photo credit:  tim eschaton

100 Questions Before Marriage: Attitudes About Marriage and Disclosure About Family is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

Those who condemn their spouses to hell because of an unwillingness to forgive them, sentence themselves there as well. Forgiving your spouse does not mean forgetting or condoning what has happened to you. Forgiveness in marriage is not saying that things are okay now and then going back to an abusive situation and accepting your spouse’s unacceptable behavior. The act of forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person who forgives. It is not letting the guilty spouse “off the hook” and it does not minimize or justify the wrong. Your decision to forgive means that you have given up your need to define yourself as a victim because of the offense. Forgiving your spouse releases you from the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the offense and it allows you to live a freer and happier life in the present.

In spite of their best efforts, some spouses need help learning how to forgive. Forgiveness in marriage can be a challenge, especially if you really don’t want to forgive, or your spouse is unwilling to admit their wrong, or does not express any meaningful regret or remorse for what they have done. So how can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgiveable? There are some things that are “deal breakers” in marriage, especially if the spouse continues to repeat over and over again certain unacceptable behaviors.

Each individual must decide for themselves exactly what those behaviors are and the consequences should they continue. However, if a spouse determines that an offense is forgivable, that they want to forgive no matter how difficult it might be, and both spouses want to mend and move forward, then, it is possible to heal and move on. A first step is to remember that none of us is perfect and that demanding “perfection” from our spouse is unrealistic. You may have made a mistake(s) yourself but maybe you were lucky enough not to have gotten caught. So, a little compassion would be appropriate. Secondly, what’s required in forgiving your spouse is a decision—a willingness to move forward by letting go of the old hurts. If you find this difficult, we’d suggest that you go for marriage counseling on your own.

What if you’re the one who needs forgiveness? Some spouses don’t know how to forgive themselves when they’ve hurt their spouse. You may feel an intense sense of guilt and shame for what you have done. Holding onto resentments against yourself is just as harmful as it is holding onto resentments against another person. Mistakes are just that—mistakes—bad judgments. The thing to do is what our parents and teachers taught us long ago—that is, to learn from our mistakes and move on.

There are some important questions to ask, such as: Where did I go wrong? What was the error in my thinking? How did I handle that situation poorly? How will I think and act differently in the future? Add your own. Do some real soul searching. And if you’ve hurt your spouse deeply, go to them, admit your mistake without making excuses, seek their forgiveness, share what you have learned from the experience, commit to a new path and make amends, and allow them time to heal. Marriage counseling is also recommended to help both of you forgive and chart a new course.

Learn how to forgive your spouse and yourself to re-write the story of your marriage.

Forgiveness in Marriage is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

Being able to spot the warning signs and then learning how to deal with your marriage problems are important to the success of any mutually satisfying long term committed relationship. In the 33 years that we have provided help for couples with marriage problems, it has been disheartening to have seen couples needlessly spending years struggling when they could have gotten help for their marriage problems earlier. Yes, we have enabled thousands of couples overcome the obstacles in their relationships. We have helped them restore hope and a belief that they could make things better. And we have celebrated their accomplishments as they’ve successfully made a fresh new start. ‘

It can be done!

We’ve seen it happen time after time. Our honest sincere best advice is this—if you’re beginning to have problems in your marriage, take action right away! Get help without delay! Spare yourself of a lot of wasted time with an increasing mountain of marriage problems. Now, let us help you spot some of the most common that, if not addressed immediately, can result in serious problems. We suggest that you put a checkmark next to any that might apply to your marriage or relationship. These problem behaviors can be done by you, your partner, or both.

Marriage Problems Warning Signs

• Inability to communicate—especially about particular topics
• Ongoing unresolved conflicts and disagreements that can often lead to heated arguments
• Avoidance behaviors—spending more time at work, with the kids, on the computer, with family or friends, hanging out, etc. doing just about anything to justify not spending time with your mate
• An increasing lack of sexual desire to the point where there is little or no sex
• Questions and/or uncertainty about your partner’s sexual fidelity
• One or both partners increase the amount of criticizing, blaming, and nagging
• Partners being demanding or controlling of their partner
• Complaining to family and/or friends about your partner
• Being secretive – unwilling to disclose certain personal and/or financial information to your mate
• Feeling more and more victimized in the marriage/relationship
• Not consulting with each other about purchases
• Stressing each other out about the “small stuff”
• Not keeping your commitments by not following through on what you’ve said you would do
• A general feeling of not being happy in your marriage or relationship

Quite often, many of the warning signs above start off rather small. They might involve minor irritations. However, in time, especially if they are not addressed, they become increasingly worse and before long they can become a major marriage problem(s). In far too many instances, some partners deny the significance of their marriage problems and /or couples may try valiantly to address their issues but just don’t know how to deal with them successfully. And, unfortunately, many couples do not get help for their marriage problems soon enough, if at all, and loose any hope or desire to repair their marriage or relationship.

Don’t lose hope, you can re-write the story of your marriage.  The sooner you seek help for your marriage problems, the better chance you’ll have of resolving those problems.

How to Spot Marriage Problems is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

Most likely, if you’re married, your commitment in marriage began with the exchanging of vows.

It means that once the marriage commitment is made that your lives are bond together forever. It means that you have committed to remain married and work through whatever challenging life situations you might encounter. It means that the ways you relate to each other are determined by the commitments contained in your vows. You have made a free, conscious decision to commit to an exclusive legal, morale, emotional, spiritual, and sexual marriage relationship with your spouse. And because of it, each of you has committed to hold a very special place in your heart that is reserved just for each other.

In our marriage counseling with couples, we emphasize that commitment in marriage should not be just the “exchanging of the vows” at the wedding and then forgotten. Commitment to your spouse should be demonstrated on an ongoing daily basis. For example, it might mean turning off the TV or leaving the computer to have an important conversation, coming right home after work to spend some quality time with your spouse, delaying or forgoing a personal purchase to help pay a bill, working a temporary low paying menial job because the money is needed to meet your family’s financial obligations, following through on what you promised, or being tired and exhausted but deciding to be available to each other when needed, etc., etc.

Your commitment can be demonstrated in thousands of ways—both great and small. How to commit in any marital situation is determined by whatever is needed to love, honor, cherish, comfort, and keep each other in the moment. It requires doing the work to demonstrate your love and caring even when it is the most difficult, you don’t want to do it, but you do it anyway!

There is a powerful, wonderful, peaceful and tremendous sense of security, confidence, safety and trust in marriage when couples demonstrate their ongoing and unwavering commitment to their spouse. Commitment builds character. It enables both persons in their marriage to achieve their full potentials both as individuals and as a married couple. Commitment means you bring to the table the best you have to share—your time, talents, attention, energy, and very best effort. And because you’ve made the commitment to yourself, each other, and are following through, there is no question that you will be successful.

If your desire is to have the highest quality of life possible, we suggest that you review your commitments to yourself and your marriage. Are you doing everything possible to make your marriage happy, fulfilling, and successful? Are you doing all that you need to do to be the very best person you can be so you can be and even better spouse in my marriage? Think about it.

Power of Commitment in Marriage is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

Forgiveness in marriage is an important part of what we help couples to do in our marriage counseling.

Those who condemn their spouses to hell because of an unwillingness to forgive them, sentence themselves there as well. Forgiving your spouse does not mean forgetting or condoning what has happened to you. Forgiveness in marriage is not saying that things are okay now and then going back to an abusive situation and accepting your spouse’s unacceptable behavior. The act of forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person who forgives. It is not letting the guilty spouse “off the hook” and it does not minimize or justify the wrong.

Your decision to forgive means that you have given up your need to define yourself as a victim because of the offense. Forgiving your spouse releases you from the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the offense and it allows you to live a freer and happier life in the present.

In spite of their best efforts, some spouses need help learning how to forgive. Forgiveness in marriage can be a challenge, especially if you really don’t want to forgive, or your spouse is unwilling to admit their wrong, or does not express any meaningful regret or remorse for what they have done. So how can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgiveable? There are some things that are “deal breakers” in marriage, especially if the spouse continues to repeat over and over again certain unacceptable behaviors. Each individual must decide for themselves exactly what those behaviors are and the consequences should they continue. However, if a spouse determines that an offense is forgivable, that they want to forgive no matter how difficult it might be, and both spouses want to mend and move forward, then, it is possible to heal and move on.

A first step is to remember that none of us is perfect and that demanding “perfection” from our spouse is unrealistic. You may have made a mistake(s) yourself but maybe you were lucky enough not to have gotten caught. So, a little compassion would be appropriate. Secondly, what’s required in forgiving your spouse is a decision—a willingness to move forward by letting go of the old hurts. If you find this difficult, we’d suggest that you go for marriage counseling on your own.

What if you’re the one who needs forgiveness? Some spouses don’t know how to forgive themselves when they’ve hurt their spouse. You may feel an intense sense of guilt and shame for what you have done. Holding onto resentments against yourself is just as harmful as it is holding onto resentments against another person. Mistakes are just that—mistakes—bad judgments. The thing to do is what our parents and teachers taught us long ago—that is, to learn from our mistakes and move on.

There are some important questions to ask, such as: Where did I go wrong? What was the error in my thinking? How did I handle that situation poorly? How will I think and act differently in the future? Add your own. Do some real soul searching. And if you’ve hurt your spouse deeply, go to them, admit your mistake without making excuses, seek their forgiveness, share what you have learned from the experience, commit to a new path and make amends, and allow them time to heal. Marriage counseling is also recommended to help both of you forgive and chart a new course.

Marriage Advice: Power of Forgiveness is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan

Imago is a form of marriage and couple’s counseling developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife, Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.

People often ask us “what is imago counseling?” Most aren’t sure how to pronounce it. It’s pronounced “ee maa go.”

Imago counseling answers three fundamental questions. (1) Why do we consciously and unconsciously chose the partners we do? (2) Why do we get stuck in our relationship problems? (3) How can we get unstuck? The counseling is a two part process–understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface of our relationship problems and learning very specific relationship skills/tools to help you resolve them.

Imago counseling has enabled us to help couples to heal, grow and create a life together that they didn’t believe possible. Other couples made their relationships even better and engaged couples learned the skills needed to insure a happy marriage.

Imago Relationship Therapy can be experienced in two ways. You can find a qualified Imago therapists who offers marriage counseling.  You can also attend Imago Couples Weekend Workshops for intensive therapy in a safe, discreet group setting.

What is Imago Relationship Therapy? is a post from: Mining for Gold Marriage Counseling Michigan