Extra Marital Affairs – The Serial Cheater

Some are married. Others are single. Society rather expects single men to “have their fling” but not married men. We call these men “serial” cheaters because like addicts—they don’t seem to be able to stop their addictive behavior. In the case of the serial cheater, his addiction is his compulsion to “sleep around” with as many women as possible.  We have seen many of these men in our 30 years of marriage counseling.

These men are very skillful in their seduction of women.
They are quite careful in their selections of the women they target for an affair. The women are often lonely, suffer from low self esteem, and are desperate for a relationship. He goes after them tenaciously. He knows how to approach them, what to wear, what to say, what lies to tell, and how to take advantage of the woman’s vulnerability. Even though she may be aware that he’s not being completely honest, she may be so desperate for love, affection, and attention that she’ll discount his dishonesty and may even make excuses for his deceit in order to keep the relationship going.

Prominent married men who are serial cheaters are able to take advantage of their status to seduce women. They have power, influence, and money and they use all three to seduce and manipulate the women in their lives. This includes their wives and all the “other women.” The wife tends to be almost totally dependent on him and he is able to manipulate and control her. She may be aware of his exploits but be incapable of doing much about it except to complain. He may promise to do better, end his “wandering” ways, and may even agree to go to counseling. He will do and say almost anything in an attempt to convince the wife that he’s trying to do better while actually continuing his extra marital relationships.

Men who have status and position often have the means to keep their extra marital affairs secret. They do an exceptional job of hiding their exploits. If the cheater is affiliated with a company, a political party, a church, a business or some organization that has a repetition to protect, the leaders of those institutions may assist the cheater in “keeping the affair under wraps” in order to protect the organization’s image. They may be able to keep these affairs out of public view for quite some time, but eventually, “what is done in the dark eventually comes to the light.” The discovery may come as a surprise to the public, but not to those close enough to know the husband’s history of cheating.

A marriage involving a serial cheater is considerably more difficult to correct because of the man’s continuous pattern of deceit. At some point, eventually the wife may grow tired enough to end the masquerade. Hopefully, she will grow from the experience so that she can create a healthy and meaningful relationship in the future.

Regardless of the reason for the extra marital affair, the solution is the same. The solution is appropriate for couples of all ages and status. It’s quite simple. Fix the marriage! The only difference between an older man having an affair and a younger man is time—the amount of time it takes each to fix the marriage, if it can be fixed, and if not, the husband owes it to the wife to end the marriage and allow her the opportunity to find happiness in another relationship. But we’d advise the man not to “throw in the towel” too soon, believing that the “grass is greener over there” with the other woman. If you’re a man who has decided to leave your wife to pursue a life with the other woman, in time, you may discover that you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life. But after all the pain has been inflicted, you, your wife, and your children have been exposed to public humiliation, and the money divided, it’s just too late to go back. Our recommendation is that you end the affair immediately and put your attention and energy into fixing your marriage!

  • http://www.proventherapy.com Dr. MG Lazarus

    Marriage is a unity in diversity where two persons coming from extreme diverse background, personality, academic and professional achievements. Some do not see or do not want to see this diversity factor. The end result is failure in relationship. Things would improve if couples prepare to see and accept this diversity. Marriage/Relationship Counseling will definitely help.

  • Taygin69

    Not all serial cheaters are men. My 65 year-old father was persued by a 50 year-old woman who has been married for almost 30 years but continually cheats on her husband. She was seeing someone at her last job who was mid 20s and on another job a man who is around 60 who her husband attacked and put in the hospital. She sets her sights on someone and they are hers because she possesses the gift of saying what a man wants to hear and knowing how to play them. After 4 years of continual pursuit and becoming best friends with my mom, my dad gave into the temptation. After being caught again, her husband kicked her out for 2 weeks then let her come home and bought her a new car to try to make her happy. My parents seperated then tried to work it out but ultimately ended in my dad’s suicide. There is more going on with her besides narcicism. She is a psychopath. Rumor is she has found another and has been barely 6 months. She wasn’t abused as a matter of fact her parents doted on her and she never wanted for anything. She is just pure evil because she doesn’t care who she hurts or the consequences. I believe her husband is a fool.

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  • H8d0gg

    Sickening. Maybe we should take the time to look at the faults that “modern” women have that cause their men to cheat. Maybe he has tried to fix the problems in the relationship countless times, and in a moment of weakness, needing whatever it is that’s lacking in the relationship, cheats. Now he’s the bad guy. Forget he has tried day in and day out, he cheated so he’s the one that’s wrong.

    This isn’t the 1950’s ladies, pull your weight in the relationship. We as men will do what’s expected of us if you quit being so superficial and selfish. “Oh he hurt me so bad” why not “oh I should’ve tried to keep him happy”.

    Fact, if you don’t feed your dog it will get in the neighbors trash. Men need to treat women as equals, and ladies that’s what you want right? Well, there’s that old saying “careful what you wish for.”

    • houseofgaunt

      What would you know about women, cheating or relationships? Judging by how much of a whiny bitch you are in your comment, I’m guessing you’re the world’s oldest virgin.

      Seriously, shut up, tiny dick. Go back to your anonymous online forum and my little pony roleplays.

      Wahwahwahwahwahwahwah lolol.

    • cyn123

      Obviously you sorely lack empathy. Yes – I understand that men do get taken advantage of sometimes – my brother is going through it in a custody battle to see his baby, against a woman who wants to use their child to get welfare and child support so she doesn’t have to work.  BUT – Some men are just simply PIGS taking advantage of their seemingly weaker partner.  My sister’s boyfriend is exactly as this article describes.  He has cheated with four other women over the course of 8 years, all had a background of low self-esteem or history of abuse.  He keeps my sister in a constant state of jealousy, fear, and helplessness, while preventing her from being independant at all costs.  He uses her low self-esteem to get what he wants from her (which is basically just sex and childcare).  He doesn’t allow her access to the family bank account – a major tactic that keeps her from control over her own life.  He convinces her that she won’t ever have a good life if she leaves, will never find anyone who loves her and her son more than he does, and that nobody would want her now that she has kids anyway.  Recently he convinced her to have another baby (because of his new found monotony and love for her!) just as she was going to start a new job and was planning her exit strategy from the relationship!  Just after the baby was born, she started finding texts on his phone revealing that he was in love with someone else again.  The sickening part is that he blames her for his cheating – he was forced to find it somewhere else because they couldn’t have sex for a couple of months after her c- section surgery!!!    She actually believes that she is the one to blame!  People blaming the victim are what is wrong with this world.  I wish that I could go and tell him off, but my sister would hate me.

    • Lisa

      Well, I was born in the 50’s. However, I lived all my married life like it was the 50’s, I stayed at home, I was perfect, great looking, great built, had sex all the time with my husband, I cooked, cleaned and baked, gave him 2 children that I did not even get stretch marks over. I remained this way for 40 years. I find out in our 38th year that he has cheated on me all of the 38 years almost 100 times with 35 different women most pretty gross and homely. There is not anything wrong with me, he is an idiot. I am still here, but he is too stupid to know at this point what he lost in me, he is not capable. At 59, i am not about to give up my life now, what go struggle now, for what. Better to live with the devil I know. Men are the Drama Queens in this life. Being able to screw someone does not make you a man. I wished to be a great wife, I did my part, he did not do his. This dog was well fed by me. Problem was he was not a dog, he was a pig.

      • sick husband

        I feel the same way about mine. Got him a therapist and he screwd her too. Still denying it. Stupid thing is she was my therapist too. Perfect affair. There is a God and they will both rot in hell.

    • Amy

      You obviously are defensive. “Me thinks thou protest too much”. I’d say you lack the ability to have sympathy, which is the point. It’s called psychopath. Boosting your ego & getting off on that is primary here—not how good a relationship is/isn’t —no one person has enough ego-stroking ability to make a serial cheater happy. The problem with you is you. Take off the selfish glasses. (Ie When did you last think of her and TRULY seek to make her happy?) It is incredibly hard to love on someone who is hurting you. You think that because she doesn’t know your full list of transgressions, she shouldnt be reacting negatively to you. Women may not know but they KNOW. Serial cheaters suffer from a severe case of incredible selfishness. That’s not love. It never will be. Fix selfishness & you may be able to truly love. But here’s the kicker, the ever-present karma you will never escape as a self-centered person—-you will never be happy that way. You sentence yourself. Ironic, huh?

  • guest

    My husband of 6 years has been cheating on me for at least5 of those years. I know of at least 9 different women some of which he had actual relationships with, paying for their rentals and so on. I had known about it for years but was too weak to confront him and too scared to loose him. I now got the guts together to confront him but he seems to suggest it is my fault for not making him feel loved and important enough. I hear his concerns and I do still love him, but how can I know he wont do it again if he doesn’t even seem to feel so sorry now? I feel stupid for even considering to forgive him. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Please advise

    • Sarahckoch86

      I have had a similar experience. I am in my twenties and so is his husband. He has cheated on me once before marriage and just found out about a 4 month affair he has been having. Of course, he is begging and pleading for another chance and says he has a problem. I kicked him out so he has been staying with his friend. We have out first therapy session tomorrow and it is a complete last resort. Honestly, we should have done this the first time but didn’t. It hurts so much to be betrayed by your spouse . I know I am young and we dont have children together but it is very difficult when you have been together for years! Women can speculate about what they would do in this situation but when you are emotionally charged, it’s a different story. We will see what the future brings…

      • sick husband

        Leave him. It will continue guaranteed. The seed of evil has been planted. You will never be happy. You can start over again. Would be worst with children. You will always have doubt’s about him. You will find love elsewhere with someone who deserves you. Love shown is love given. Its easy to fall in love again not easy to forget the hurt.