Can this marriage be saved is a question often asked of marriage counselors. We can not even begin to tally the number of times we’ve been asked this question in our 30 years of offering marriage counseling and Imago workshops.  Unfortunately, by the time people get to us… they are on the brink of losing their life’s most important relationship.

Below, we’ve listed 20 key items that are important to restoring and maintaining a successful marriage. We suggest that you place a plus sign (+) or a minus sign (-) next to each item as you read them. If you prefer, you may make two columns – one for you and the other for your spouse. Total your + and – responses after you’ve read through the entire list.

Both partners are willing to…

• do the hard work required to build and maintain a successful marriage
• acknowledge their role in the troubled parts of the relationship
• end entirely all outside relationships and recommit to being faithful to your spouse and them only
• be completely honest, to tell the truth, the whole truth, to re-establish faith and trust
• a desire backed by one’s most sincere best effort to be together for mutual benefit
• strive to be the most healthy and mature person humanly possible
• re-commit to all of the covenants made during the wedding ceremony
• learn and practice faithfully new relationship skills including improving communication, conflict management, and problem solving
• contribute to something greater and bigger than one’s self in the marriage to the world
• be loving, caring, supportive advocates for each other who are also accountable and responsible
• take the “high road” when things go wrong
• be compassionate, understanding, validating and empathic to your spouse
• face problems rather than ignoring or walking away from them
• bring joy to each other and the relationship
• able to articulate your own needs in an effective way to your spouse
• understand what your spouse needs from you and be willing to stretch to meet them
• take one’s own inventory related to the marriage and attend to it
• be a team player
• know when to lead and when to follow
• fight for the marriage

Total your responses. The more +’s you have, the better your chances of saving your marriage. The more –‘s, the more difficult. And remember that BOTH spouses must participate completely and fully in the process of saving the marriage. And, we encourage you to get from a professional marriage counselor to learn new skills and deal more effectively with difficult problem areas.

There are also five situations below that severely damage any relationship and make it almost impossible to overcome. We encourage spouses to seriously consider separation or divorce until, or unless, their partner demonstrates a sincere commitment to overcome these extremely destructive behaviors. They are:

1. A Spouse who is Emotionally and/or Physical Abusive
2. A spouse who Refuses Ongoing, Consistent Treatment for a Mental Illness
3. Spouses Who Have Drug, Alcohol, Gambling or Sexual Addictions
4. Serial Cheaters Who Consistently Demonstrate an Unwillingness To Change
5. Spouses Placing Their Families At Risk of Being Homeless, Hungry, Without Proper Clothing and Basic Essentials Because of An Inability or Unwillingness To Remain Employed

So, can this marriage be saved? It’s entirely up to you.