We’ve talked about blended families, as a team sport, how children are affected by divorce and the unique challenges blended families face as they try and bring two families together. One of the most important considerations when bringing your blended family together is this: the only way a blended family can and will work, happens when the adults involved work together for the good of all children and all relationships involved.
Working together means dealing with any issues that the children will have, the individual adults will have and the issues that arise from divorced parents. There is no way around it. When you, as a couple, make the conscious decision to work together on all issues that arise–you dramatically increase your chances of success, not only as a couple but also as a blended family. In doing so, you also give all the children involved a real chance to grow as individuals in a healthy way.
So, what does working together really mean?
Working together involves: you as a couple and all adults/parents involved with the children. The latter is probably the group you’ll find more difficult to work with, but in the interest of the children and the health of your family–every adult must be considered when working together. We’ll focus here, on you as a couple, but understand, you MUST be willing to work with all adults involved to your best ability for everyone’s sake.
Working Together as a Couple in a Blended Family
First and foremost, working together as a couple should be proactive, not reactive. Planning your strategy as a couple, ahead of issues arising, is the most effective way to stay together through any challenge that might come your way. The more you plan for, the better equipped you’ll be together. This helps you eliminate arguments and surprises.
Second, take the time to learn about issues that commonly arise when dealing with blended families. The more you know and understand, the better your planning can be for the future. This involves understanding:
- Issues that might arise with ex-spouses and co-parenting after divorce;
- Issues that might arise with your own children;
- Issues that might arise with your step-children;
- Issues that might arise with old and new in-laws;
Of course, taking an honest look at yourselves, individually and as a couple, to plan for any issues that might arise.
Third, make a written plan, a “Together Contract,” of what you’ll do when issues do arise. You can make this as simple as you want, but be specific and thorough. Why, you ask? Taking the time to discuss these issues, sitting down and writing them out is beneficial for the both of you and a great process to improve your communication.
As a starting point, we would recommend including the following in your new contract:
- Define a family purpose and mission that is mutually supportive and agreed upon;
- How will you recognize and deal with loyalty issues between natural parents and step-parents;
- How will you recognize and deal with the children’s jealousy toward each other;
- How will you recognize and deal with step-parent jealousy toward the stepchildren;
- Define how the “new spouse” will be involved in decision-making about the stepchildren;
- How will you deal with the religious and spiritual value differences;
- How will you recognize and monitor each person’s expectations for the new marriage and family;
This list is certainly not exhaustive, yet will give you a good starting point to develop your own “Together Contract.” The point is, the simple act of being proactive and making the conscious choice to work together can and will make a difference for everyone involved, especially the children.
If you’re in a blended family, its never too late to create your own contract and move from being reactive to dealing proactively!
Love Freely and Live Purposefully!
Jesse & Melva
