7 Pillars of a Strong Relationship
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Mining for Gold Marriage: Falling in Love

How wonderful it felt! Finally, after a long search and countless disappointments, you suddenly thought you‘d met your soul mate. And being so happy, you wanted to return that love. If you ever found yourself annoyed with your beloved you apologized right away and moved back into your loving – and fun-loving – connection. You made a commitment to each other, believing that your love would conquer everything.

But somewhere between two minutes to two years later, the quality of that romantic connection began to change. Your heart, once throbbing with desire, pounded from frustration. Little upsets that you once handled quickly took longer to resolve – or never got resolved. Your partner displayed more of those traits that push your buttons. How could my beloved say that? How could the one I love ever act like that? You felt your affection shrink from irritation.

What happened?

At this point – understandably – you reacted by letting your significant other know what was on your mind. You had your first real argument. And then another, until they became part of a pattern. Accused of being critical and judgmental, you countered with, ―How dare you!‖ Frustrated, you urged your partner to open up and talk, but met a cold shoulder.

Feeling an impasse, you disconnected, not knowing what else to do. You had no place to go with your feelings, and may have felt more lonely that when you were actually alone. What went wrong? After a cooling-off period, the two of you began to talk again, but not about the original issue. You knew you had a problem, but you chose not to mention it – at least for the time being. After all, you had developed an endless list of frustrations. No need to wake a sleeping bear or open Pandora‘s box.

It felt easier to handle other things and let them divert your attention from the issue at hand, at least for the moment. But you used to get along so well. How did you change into feeling so terribly frustrated by each other? Why did your partner stop listening to you and start talking for you? Did you choose the wrong person?

Welcome to Stage Two of your relationship!

The romantic phase has faded and the power struggle ensues. The problem is that most couples don‘t realize that this is a natural transition within any committed, long-term relationship. Far too often, couples hit this stage like a wall of bricks and react by breaking up and calling it quits.

More than 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. Of couples who stick it out, more than 75 percent report that unresolved conflicts create ongoing dissatisfaction in important areas of their relationship. They describe habitual interactions with their partners as ―hot, ―cold, or―lukewarm; and those patterns often repeat themselves in any new relationship they might seek after divorce.

Fighting distracts couples from the underlying causes of their conflicts. Most remain at the level of unidentified symptoms, unaware that the root of the problem lies deep beneath the surface. Criticizing, blaming each other, declaring themselves right and their partner wrong – ultimately these common reactions can destroy what could have otherwise become an immensely rewarding shared journey through life. Focusing on surface conflicts and discontents – all symptoms of a bigger problem and work still to be done – keeps the couple from progressing to the next natural stage of their relationship.

This is #1 in our new Mining for Gold Marriage series,

a closer look at our award-winning Mining for Gold process.

Being Ignored in Your Marriage and Relationships

A question we’re often asked is how to keep from being ignored by your mate in a long term marriage as a couple. In the beginning, it wasn’t that way. Your mate was attentive to your needs and desires. But now, you’re feeling ignored, taken for granted, and there’s little emotional connection or intimacy. If you’re being ignored, it’s extremely painful. You may ask for time and attention but your mate may make excuses or downright refuse. It is both painful and abusive to live with someone who professes to love you but who ignores your wants, feelings and desires. If you, or someone you know, is in this situation, it is likely that at one time or another they may have asked themselves, “if I can’t get what I want from this relationship, why am I here?” So, how did you get to this place? What has gone so terribly wrong?

The state of your marriage today represents an accumulation of your life together as a couple. When couples perceive that 50% or more of their experiences together have been fulfilling, mutually satisfying, happy, and rewarding, it results in a stronger bond and loving connection. When the level of satisfaction goes considerably below the 50% mark, the more dissatisfaction couples report about their relationships.

In our experience, the #1 reason why couples have dissatisfaction is because of an inability to communicate what they truly need from each other to feel loved and cared about and the inability to resolve problems in the relationship. Years of accumulated unmet needs produce a continuing disconnect between the couple. They may share the same house but except for their children, may live in two different worlds.

So, how to you overcome the pain of being ignored? The solution is what it has always been. Learn each other’s love language and take action. If you have difficulty accomplishing this on your own, get some professional help. We can help. For the sake of your marriage and your family, let us help you.

Money Problems in Marriage

Are you and your spouse or partner having money problems right now? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples are. The question is how are you handling it?

Even when things are going well, some couples fight about money. In a 2006 study conducted by Money magazine, 84% of the respondents said that money caused a lot of tension in their marriage/relationship. 15% fought about money several times a month. So money issues trigger a lot of the tension and fights in relationships.

When money is tight, some couples turn “on” each other rather than “to” each other. Fighting only makes the situation feel worse. Criticizing, blaming, fault finding, name calling and all of the other negative things we say and do when we fight is not the way to confront the problem. You may end up not even wanting to talk to your partner about it because of their reactive behavior. And if you don’t talk, you can’t solve the problem.

The key to dealing with any problem in a relationship, including money, is to work together to find a mutually acceptable solution that both of you can live with. It requires that you sit down together, discuss the situation calmly, brainstorm all of the possible solutions both of you can come up with, and then choose from among all of the ideas your best possible situations. This may require several brainstorming/problem
solving sessions. This approach will not only help you deal with the situation better, it is also likely to bring you closer together.

We also suggest that you:

  • Don’t allow money problems to consume all of your time and attention.
    Plan a specific time weekly to talk together about money. We recommend no more than an hour.
    Include both short term and long term financial goals in your discussion
    Find ways to support each other emotionally during the process
    Celebrate your successes no matter how great or small

Finally, it’s important to keep things in perspective. Whatever money problems you’re facing right now are temporary. Things will improve over time–especially, if you work together.