7 Pillars of a Strong Relationship
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Living Together and Pre-marriage Cohabitation

Living Together Before MarriageFor a number of reasons, it makes sense to some people to forgo marriage and to opt instead to just live together. “Why get married and then go through the hassle of getting a divorce?” some say. And given the fact that the United States has the highest divorce rate of any industrialized nation in the world, it makes sense to many couples to just live together.

If this “trial by cohabitating” works out well, then, the couple might consider a formal and/or legal arrangement such as marriage in the future. If things don’t work out, then each is free to leave the relationship and move on without all the legal entanglements.   We deal with this question often when offering pre-marital counseling to couples.

Research aimed at studying this phenomenon does not see it as a viable alternative to marriage. For example, research conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University found that couples living together were more likely to get divorced when married. Another study by the National Survey of Families and Households in 1992 concluded that married couples who lived together first before getting married were 46% more likely to get divorced.

So, if you decide to live together in a “trial marriage” before getting married, the stats are not in your favor. You might be better off just going ahead and getting married. The reason why we offer this suggestion we’ll explain in just a moment.

Another reason why some decide to live together is for economic reasons. Sharing rent, food, utilities, transportation, furnishings, and the like are less costly when shared by couples. But just like with married couples, money can become an area of major conflict—especially if one partner is expecting and depending upon the other to come up with their share of the monthly expenses and they fail to do so.

Not having all the money to pay your rent at the last minute because your partner has let you down makes one distrustful and insecure about the future of the relationship and is a major stress-or.   At least, if you’re married, hopefully, you have discussed and planned how to manage your joint household expenses because you are legally bond to do so.

Successful relationships require that both persons know and use good relationship skills. Those skills are necessary whether you are just living together or married. If you don’t know how to resolve conflicts, negotiate differences, manage money, honor your commitments, share responsibilities, be open to change, willing to grow, keep the love alive, and work together for mutual benefit, then living together or being married is likely to be a big disappointment.

We highly recommend that couples work with a competent marriage counselor/educator before moving in together or marrying, through pre-marital counseling, to acquire and being using the skills necessary to make it a viable, successful relationship.

To Your Relationships Success,

Jesse & Melva

Valentine’s Day for Women: Show Him Love and Appreciation

Yes, ladies, Valentine’s Day is for your man too! Even though we know more about what the husband has been preparing for his wife, we also have an idea that she is preparing something very special for him. We learned that over their ten years of getting to know each other that they have taken the time to find out what each other needs to feel loved and cared about. They have learned each other’s “Love Language.”

Are you familiar with Gary Chapman’s book by that same title? If not, check it out. Men love to feel appreciated and to know that they have a positive impact on us. If you want more from your man, give him what he wants – not what you think he wants. This means that you must pay close attention to what he tells you that will make him feel loved and cared about. Then you give this to him. We call this the “Platinum Rule.” You “do unto others” as they would like to be done unto.

Even if you are not happy about some of the things going on in your relationship, if it is a relationship that has value to you and is worth fighting for, take a first step to turn things around. My mother told me years ago that you can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. Be the change you want to experience on this very special day. And let this day be an opportunity to set an intention to have more days throughout the year as “Valentine’s Day.”

Here’s the other thing. You don’t have to spend a whole lot of money. Find out what makes his heart sing and prepare as much of it yourself. Most men love great food. What is his favorite? They also love special time alone with their woman. You can get really creative here. Get the idea?

One thing we know for sure is that committed love relationships are energized by co-creating and remembering great memories. Let that be a focus for the man you love. It only takes one person to get the momentum going. Why not you?

Jesse and I are sending you warm and loving wishes for the best Valentine’s Day ever. You and your man deserve it.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Zawezome

New Year’s Resolutions to Improve Your Marriage

It’s customary for many people to make resolutions for the New Year. You’ve probably already got a pretty long list of things you want to change. As you are considering things you’d like to change in 2010, we’d like to propose that you include improving your marriage among your resolutions. And to enable you to do that, we’d like to offer the following three suggestions:

Compliment More—Criticize Less

If you want to make a positive change in your relationship, express your appreciations and gratitude to your partner more. We tend to tell other people about how much we appreciate about our partners but we don’t always communicate it to them. Our partners would like to hear it too so tell them—every day. Yes, we did say every day! Look for things to compliment—even the small things. The more you look, the more you’ll find.

Create a Consistent Regular Time To Be Together To Have Fun

We recommend that couples establish a weekly “date night” to enjoy each other’s company. Doing it consistently is the key. You also don’t need to spend a lot of money. In fact, we recommend that you find free or minimal cost stuff to do that you can enjoy. We suggest that you take turns alternating responsibility for planning the date night activity. Allow yourself to go and do things that you normally wouldn’t do. The bottom line—have fun!

Learn How To Communicate Better

The #1 problem in most relationships is an inability to communicate effectively. The ability to communicate successfully is a skill that must be learned. Resolve to learn how to talk to each other in a way that enables you to work together, to reduce conflicts, and to maintain a close, intimate connection. Let us know if you’d like help in this area of your relationship.

We want you to know that we are wishing you an abundance of happiness and success in 2010.

Creative Commons License photo credit: KevBow