Marriages Strained by Unsupportive In-Laws

Over the years, when I have conducted marriage ceremonies, in addition to insisting upon premarital counseling, I have also requested time at the reception for a brief but important ceremony. I arrange a time with the bride and groom where I ask the members of both families to stand across from each other in the center of the banquet hall. I then talk about the importance of this new family unit that has been brought together and the importance of all family members being supportive of this new family unit that God has brought together. Why have I done this? I’ll tell you why.

In-laws can either be a help or hindrance to a newly married couple. Some mothers in law just don’t like their new daughters in law and have no problem expressing to their son and/or other family members their displeasure. There are also certain long term family expectations around holidays, etc. where each of the families compete or demand compliance with the family tradition. The newly marriage couple must decide what to do and that can be a major test of the relationship.

In-laws, because of their experience which has taught them a great deal about marriage and relationships, can be a tremendous asset to the young couple. They can offer them the wisdom and encouragement necessary to enable the couple to have a flourishing relationship. To be supportive, the in-laws must offer advice only when it’s requested, allow the couple to learn from their own mistakes, and be a safety net for both should it be needed.

If the members of both families rally around the new family, the chances are that they will have a more successful relationship.

Improve Your Marriage – Have Alone Time

You may question why the two of us, as marriage counselors, would be advising couples to have alone time. After all, isn’t it your job to bring couples together verses advising them to be alone?

Being together and being alone may sound like a contradiction but it’s really not. In fact, it’s healthy. Let us explain.

In healthy mutually satisfying and successful relationships, partners have discovered ways to fulfill their individual goals within their relationship. We like to think of it this way. 1 whole happy person + 1 whole happy person = 1 whole happy incredible relationship. ½ an unhappy person + ½ another unhappy person = 2 unhappy halves. In the ½ + ½ relationship, there are likely to be two despondent unfulfilled co-dependent enmeshed people who are so entwined that they are a drain on each other.

We’re asserting that it is essential that both persons in a successful relationship take the time to pursue their own aspirations and dreams. We’re not talking about selfish, self indulgent, purposeless, time wasting distractions. We’re referring to meaningful pursuits that result in each partner achieving an important personal accomplishment. The fulfillment of this goal brings about a feeling of intense satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. Examples include such things as a desire to finish school, to pursue training for a new career, to lose weight, to pay off credit card debt, to learn to speak another language, to pursue a hobby, to deepen one’s spiritual connection, to travel, or whatever. Each person has their own individual longings and desires that they wish to fulfill.

So, the question is–what is your dream? What is it that you have longed to do that you haven’t taken the time to do yet? What is a first step you can take toward achieving it?

We’d urge you to take whatever alone time you need to pursue it and do it! It’s good for you in multiple ways and it’s good for your relationship. The reason is quite simple. When two people are happy and fulfilled in their personal lives, they are better partners.

Extra Marital Affairs – Older Men and Younger Women

It seems to be happening all the time—so often that it makes you question whether marriage means anything anymore. We are being flooded with stories of quite prominent, well respected, and successful older men having affairs with younger women. The list has included politicians, ministers, priests, and businessmen to name a few. Their disclosures are shocking. They leave us asking the question, “why would such men risk everything—their marriages, reputations, careers, money, and status to have an extra marital affair with a younger woman? What could they have been thinking?

Based upon our experience as marriage counselors, we’ll attempt to answer that question by sharing what we’ve seen as a typical progression of steps leading to the extra marital affair. Many of these steps, to some degree or another, have been rather common among those who have gotten caught up in an affair.

First of all, most of these affairs didn’t start out that way.

Many of the women involved worked with these men–usually as some kind of assistant. Quite often, the young woman at work has spent as much time, if not more, with the husband than the wife. Her job has been to be there to assist and support her boss. And because she is aware of the burdens he’s carrying in his career, she knows perhaps better than anyone the stress he’s carrying. She has cared about the strain he’s faced, has been attentive and concerned about him, has offered to be someone he could talk to, and has been genuinely interested because she has wanted to help. This desire to help has tapped into her maternal instinct as a nurturer and care giver. The two of them may, at times, left the office to talk over lunch or dinner in planning and/or devising strategies to deal with some work related issue.

In time, these conversations have often evolved into discussions about personal issues beyond work. Her intent may have been to be a supportive employee and friend; however, one or both may begin to sense a deeper connection. They may begin to feel a certain degree of empathy for each other and a desire to be of even greater help and support. They may look for ways to spend time together because it’s a pleasurable escape from the demands and pressures at work. Before either of them realizes it, they have become deeply involved emotionally which may also lead to an intense sexual relationship.

We want to be quite clear that we’re not condoning or excusing the behavior of either party in the extra marital affair. That will become even clearer as you continue to read the remaining articles in this series. In addition to the man, the series will also include articles focusing on the wife who’s been cheated on as well as “the other woman.” And because we have so much more to share in helping couples deal with this devastating issue, we invite and urge you to read the entire series.