A lot of people are talking these days about the recent announcement from Al and Tipper Gore that they are separating. “Why” is a question being asked by many? As expected, there is considerable speculation as people grapple for answers. Whatever the reasons, it is personal and should remain that way. The bottom line is this—that high profile couples, just like the rest of us common everyday folk, often have problems in our marriages. And unfortunately, far too many of us don’t seek help to address whatever needs to be repaired and we remain in denial about the seriousness of our marital situations.

Al and Tipper Gore

We see the Gore’s announcement as a “wake up” call. Yes—a wake up call! Why? It’s because far too many of us take our partners for granted and have marital issues we just haven’t resolved. After being together for awhile, some couples “settle into” simply being together managing work, children, commitments, and everyday chores and do not give each other the kind of meaningful time or attention that each craves.

Couples become more like roommates than lovers—often assuming that their partners will be around forever. What partners often don’t realize is how exhausted, frustrated, and lonely their mates are. There is often an emotional and physical disconnection because of long standing unresolved issues. Many couples don’t know if they can get back to the loving connection they once had.

Separation and possible divorce is not the answer.

The consequences can be devastating for each partner as well as their children—including their adult children and grandchildren. In our article, “I wished I’d Not Gotten Divorced,” we state that these are words we often hear from those who have taken that path who later regret it. We said that “after the papers have been signed, the property divided, child custody settled and the emotional pain subsides, it’s usually too late to turn back after you realize that you’ve made a mistake.”

It has often been assumed that couples in long term marriages who have been together for 30-40 years don’t get divorced because they don’t want to go through the legal and emotional hassles involved. This idea is shared by many of our colleagues in the field of marriage counseling. And while many senior couples don’t divorce, the quality of their lives and relationships are greatly diminished by simply existing in unhappy, unfulfilled marriages.

The emotional turmoil contributes to a host of physical illnesses, emotional stress on their adult children and extended family members, and can contribute to addictions to alcohol and drug use. We believe that couples in long term marriages do not have to accept their unhappy fate. And, it is a mistake for us, as therapists and marriage counselors, to overlook the senior population by not actively offering our services to them.

Make no mistake about it. We are strong advocates for couples staying together, getting help, learning how to deal more effectively with their issues, and “mining for the gold”—the love that that has been buried beneath years of frustration and disconnection. We’ve seen couples completely transform their relationships—time after time—a lot more often than many people would imagine. These couples are happy—really happy for the first time in a long time. It’s not always easy, it’s not for the “faint of heart” or those wanting a “quick fix,” it takes time, and doesn’t happen overnight however, the ultimate payoff for couple’s uncovering the deep love and caring is well worth the time and effort.

So the question is, “where is your marriage right now?”

Perhaps it’s time that you reassessed your own marriage—to give it more of your time and attention. Do not take each other for granted. If you’ve got issues that you can’t resolve or there is an emotional disconnection in your relationship and you can’t fix whatever needs fixing, get help—now!

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Cason Point: Couple avoided Gore point in their 40-year marriage