The questions in the 100 Questions to Deepen Marriage Communication exercises address the greatest problem areas in marriage. They are intended to be a starting point to dialogue for those not facing problems and a means for opening communication for those who may be facing challenges. By assessing, confronting, and working through possible conflicts now in your marriage, it is possible to reduce the damage these conflicts can cause in your intimacy and connection.
We know that many of the questions in this section of our 100 Questions to Deepen Marriage Communication exercise may be considered quite personal by some people. Some questions, in fact, may make some people quite uncomfortable. We would suggest that in spite of your discomfort that you both answer the questions. Again, it is better to address these issues now rather than later. We encourage you to take as much time as you need to respond to each question.
Quick tips to ensure this exercise success:
- Be sure to begin this exercise when you will have uninterrupted time together.
- Complete this exercise in a private and intimate setting, preferably facing each other comfortably.
- Each partner should answer each question, while the other listens without judgment or opinion.
Attitudes About Marriage, Relationships & Family
These series of questions focus on your attitudes about marriage, relationships and family. Partners should take turns answering these questions, facing each other in an intimate and quiet setting. We encourage you to take as much time as you need to respond to each question. Each of you should focus on simply listening to your partner answer, without judgment or opinion.
The thing I like most about my family is _________.
The thing I like least about my family is __________.
The way(s) my mother treated my father was __________.
The way(s) my father treated my mother was __________.
What I learned from my parents about how marriage works is __________.
The people in my family who were addicted to alcohol were __________.
The people in my family who were addicted to drugs were __________.
The people in my family who have been or who are incarcerated are __________.
The people in my family who are mentally ill are __________.
The problems their behavior has created in my life is __________.
My expectations about when and how often we should visit my family members are __________.
My expectations about how we will deal with my family’s expectations around holiday visits are __________.
If we should have a conflict around our family’s expectations, the way we will deal with it is by __________.
When I have a disagreement with another person, what I usually do it __________.
In addition to the children you already know I have, I also have ____ number of other children.
My relationship with my child(ren’s) birth mother/father is __________.
How they have impacted my life is____________. How they might impact our lives is___________.
I want to get married because __________.
What I believe it takes to have a good marriage is __________.
The biggest mistakes I’ve made in previous relationships are __________.
What I’ve learned the most from my mistakes in those relationships is __________.
The things I’d be giving up to get married are __________.
The things I’d be gaining by getting married are __________.
What I fear most by getting married is __________.
What I fear most about getting married to you is __________.
Some of the problems I think we might have in our marriage is __________.
If you should be unfaithful to me, I am likely to respond by __________.
If you do not support me in the ways I need to be supported, I am likely to __________.
The number of children I’d like for us to have, if any, are ______.
The things I will do to help us co-parent our children are __________.
If we should ever have problems in our marriage, what we will do is __________.
Attitudes About Sex, Money & Household
These series of questions focus on your attitudes about sex, money, and household maintenance Partners should take turns answering these questions, facing each other in an intimate and quiet setting. We encourage you to take as much time as you need to respond to each question. Each of you should focus on simply listening to your partner answer, without judgment or opinion.
What sex has been like with you or what I think it will be like with you is __________.
I think married couples should have sex ____ time a day/week or month.
If I rated the importance of sex to me in marriage (on a scale of 1-the lowest to 10-the highest), my score would be __________.
What I’m most concerned about in our sex life or potential sex life is __________.
The way(s) I like to prepare for sex is __________.
Foreplay to me means __________.
Some sexual fantasies I’d like us to share in our sex life are __________.
A personal problem I’ve had in my sex life or potential sex life is __________.
How that problem has or might impact our sex life is __________.
If we should have problems in our sex life, the way(s) I would like for us to address it would be to __________.
Money is important to me because __________.
Saving money for me has been hard/easy because __________.
Spending money for me has been hard/easy because __________.
My current total amount of debt is $_____________.
My current credit score is _____________ which I consider to be ___poor; ___average; ___excellent
My current salary is $____________.
I currently have, or have had garnishments taken from my checks in the amount of $___________.
I am currently making child support payments in the amount of $__________ per week/month
I am currently making alimony payments in the amount of $________ per week/month
My plan to pay off my debts is to __________.
The way(s) I would be expecting you to help me pay off my debts is by __________.
I prefer ___purchasing a home, ___renting a home/apartment.
If we were to purchase a home, the way(s) I’d like to see us plan and save for the purchase is __________.
I’d feel financially secure if we __________.
I’d like to retire comfortably with $_________ to live on by age ______.
Some ways I would like for us to plan for our retirement is __________.
The way I like to keep my living space is __________.
I can’t stand sharing a living space with someone who __________.
The problems I’ve had living with other people have been ___________.
The way(s) I’d like for us to work together and share in maintaining our living space is __________.
If there is something either of us finds intolerable I would like for us to __________.
How decisions will be made about where we will live will be by __________.
How decisions should be made about managing our home is by __________.
What you need to know about me.
The next series of questions is called, “What You Need To Know About Me.” We suggest that both partners take turns answering this section of the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise. You may take as much time as you need to go through the list. After all, you’re planning to be married for life so you can afford to take the time.
Three things I like most about me are
Three things I like least about me are
My greatest personal strength is
My greatest personal weakness is
Someone that I really admire is
When I’m afraid, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.
When I’m sad, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.
When I’m angry, I usually respond by___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.
When I’m lonely, I usually respond by ___________. How I’d like to respond is__________.
When I’m tired, I usually respond by ____________. How I’d like to respond is___________.
In general, I think most men are
In general, I think most women are
What I fear most is
What I need most is
My usual frequent mood is
The things I hate the most are
I get angry when
The things I worry about the most are
I’m most ashamed of
I dislike people who
When someone is unfair, I usually respond by
I find my greatest joy in life when
What hurts me the most is
An accomplishment I feel most proud of is
Something I feel the most regret about in my life is
When someone is disappointed with me I usually respond by
When someone is angry with me I usually respond by
I think people should say they’re sorry when
The parts of my body I like most are
The parts of my body I like least are
Your Purpose and Your Past
The questions are intended to help you give you information that you need to know so that you can make an informed decision about committing to spend the rest of your life with this person or enriching your marriage. In responding to the questions, it is essential that both of you be “gut-wrenchingly honest”—that you tell the truth and the whole truth as you respond to the 100 Questions Before Marriage exercise.
Your biggest goal in life is to
You find satisfaction in life by
Before you die, what would you like to have accomplished?
Your purpose in life is to
Your dream is to someday
You will be ready to die when you’ve
The best part of your childhood was
The worse part of your childhood was
The scariest thing that ever happened to you was
Something that I’m afraid to tell anyone about my past was
A past situation that could affect your future is
The way you feel about your past relationship history is